440 | Emotional Detachment, Unhurried Presence, and Pointing Your Kids to the True Source (Dad Year in Review PART 2)

Rhythms & HabitsRaising Jesus Followers
Written By Jeff Zaugg

Episode Description

In Part 2 of this Father's Day look-back series, Jeff Zaugg resurfaces five more powerful conversations from the past dad year, featuring Jeremy Pryor, Ted Cunningham, Pastor Tim Timberlake, Mac Lake, and Seth Dahl. The clips cover a dad's superpower of emotional detachment and how it can quietly wound the people he loves most, the faulty input-output theory of parenting and why God is the only true source of life, the transformative power of tone and speaking to the king in your child instead of the fool, the gift of unhurried presence and what it looks like to truly savor your kids, and the hard truth that a man who can't regulate his emotions forces his family to do it for him. This episode is a flyover packed with activation, challenge, and the kind of dad wisdom that sticks.

  • Jeremy Pryor is a father of five, author, and co-founder of Family Teams, a ministry helping families reimagine themselves as multi-generational teams on mission together. He is passionate about helping dads become present, emotionally engaged leaders in their homes and has spent years studying the ancient rhythms of family life to help modern dads reconnect with their kids.

    Ted Cunningham is the founding pastor of Woodland Hills Family Church in Branson, Missouri, a speaker, and the author of multiple books on marriage and family. He and his wife Amy have two children and he is known for bringing humor, honesty, and biblical depth to the topics of parenting and marriage.

    Pastor Tim Timberlake is the lead pastor of Celebration Church in Jacksonville, Florida, a speaker, and author whose ministry spans thousands of lives across multiple campuses. He and his wife Rashida have children together and he is passionate about helping people discover their identity in Christ and lead their families with love, tone, and intentionality.

    Mac Lake is a leadership coach, ministry consultant, and founder of the Courageous Parenting movement who has spent decades developing leaders across the country. Known affectionately as Pops, he is the father of worship leader and recording artist Brandon Lake and is passionate about helping dads leave a legacy of faith through presence, intentionality, and unhurried love.

    Seth Dahl is an emotional health coach, speaker, and author who has spent years helping parents and leaders build healthier homes from the inside out. He coaches coaches, has written multiple books on parenting and pace, and is passionate about helping dads regulate their own hearts so their families can truly thrive.

    • Your emotional detachment is a superpower that can become a weapon. Dads are wired to disconnect under pressure, and that's often a gift. But when that same skill gets used to keep your family at arm's length, your kids feel it. The question isn't how attached you feel. It's whether they feel attached to you.

    • You were never meant to be the source. Pouring into your kids so they pour back into you is a trap. Your job, according to Deuteronomy 6, is to point them every single day to the only true source of life. Fire yourself. Fire your kids. God in heaven is the source.

    • Tone is one of the greatest gifts a dad can give. Pastor Tim Timberlake's father never raised his voice, never disciplined from anger or frustration, and the love in his tone did the convicting. Your size, your volume, your first response, those things mark your kids. Speak to the king in them, not the fool.

    • Unhurried presence is a posture, not a schedule. Mac Lake leaves adult conversations to throw a football for 60 minutes if that's what his grandkids want. The shift is simple but hard: let your kids be the thing that matters most in the moment, not an interruption to what actually matters.

    • Emotional self-control is a fruit your family gets to eat. When you're getting triggered by your six-year-old, you're not parenting. You're asking them to regulate you. The Holy Spirit wants to grow self-control in you so your family is nourished by it. Your heart is upstream to everything in your home.

  • HOST – JEFF ZAUGG

    Hey guys, welcome back to Dad Awesome. Today, episode 440 is the second part of this two-part look back series. We sandwiched Father's Day — last week, episode 439, was the first five conversations that we wanted to look back to and highlight and resurface some activation, some challenge, some dad ideas for you guys. Now, this second part, we're gonna feature another five conversations from the last year. So we looked back 52 episodes. What are the next five that are like — you guys have to know about some of the discoveries that we surfaced?


    So these five guests, I listened back through. It's about two minutes each. There is so much wisdom in this short episode this week, so I'm so thankful that you're listening. My name is Jeff Zaugg, and I pray for you guys. I am praying that God uses today's conversation to activate change. Dad Awesome is not about intent, it's about change. So, would one of these conversations plant deep in your heart and cause you to actually activate that change for your family?


    Also, we are inviting — we kicked off, after Father's Day is the kickoff of the dad year. And a couple times a year we ask you guys to pray about joining our support team at Dad Awesome. We're a nonprofit ministry. We serve the local church. We serve dads all around the world. We're dialed into helping dads turn their hearts towards heaven and toward home. Hearts toward heaven, hearts towards home. We are a heart-level ministry around fatherhood, and we just believe that when a dad gets filled up with God's love, has a heart burning with God's love, and then turns their heart with love towards their home — pursuing this role as a treasured role — that it changes generations to come.


    So we have 41 families who give every single month, who are a part of our donation generosity team. They give between $7 a month — we have a family giving seven bucks a month — and we have a couple families giving $1,000 a month. Anywhere in between, it is such a big deal to build our foundation, our base of our ministry to help us scale and grow to reach more dads. So we're praying that we would have 50 families that are behind this mission. Pray into this with us — there's information at dadawesome.org/give.



    CLIP 1 – JEREMY PRYOR (Episode 415)

    Topic: Emotional Detachment


    Jeff: The first of five conversations this week is back to episode 415 with Jeremy Pryor. He's going to talk about the fatherhood superpower of emotional detachment — that we can emotionally detach — and how it's actually hurting the kids that we love most. Our superpower can actually cause harm.


    Jeff: I want to turn and head into the area of emotional availability. Your take on this fatherhood superpower — our ability to emotionally disconnect — but then also it being what takes us down. I don't fully give myself to feeling the feels of my daughter and entering with them. I keep them at a distance sometimes and I know I cause hurt. Could you take us into this?


    Jeremy: For me, this is probably the thing I've struggled with the most as a dad. I like being very stable emotionally. And that requires me to cut myself off emotionally from people that are chaotic. And families are pretty messy. And so sometimes I can just like — hey guys, you got your problems over there. I want to make sure that it's not disrupting the peace of my life. And so you can distance yourself from members of your family emotionally.


    One of the problems I discovered is my kids can actually feel that. Like they are like — whoa, if something were to happen to me, I think dad would be the least affected. I think his day would be fine. If I'm really struggling. And I really think that does hurt children. I think it can really distance ourselves from our wives as well. I think it can be particularly difficult for daughters. Daughters want to know — does my dad actually really love me?


    One of the things I think you have to ask yourself — and I used to ask myself the wrong question, which is: do I feel attached to my daughter? And that's actually not the right question, because you might feel very attached to your kids. The question is, do they feel attached? And one way to understand that is to ask — if something were to happen to them, do they think or sense or feel, are they experiencing how that's impacting you emotionally?


    And the reason why this is really tough for men is because I think we do have a superpower to detach for good reasons. Like, we sometimes just need to perform. To provide for our families or to protect our families. You don't want to break down in those moments and say, can I make this about me and my emotions? That's not an appropriate response as a father in a crisis. And so we need the ability to say, okay guys, whatever else is going on in the world, I'm gonna disconnect emotionally so I can do the hard thing that needs to get done right now. That is awesome. We need that ability.


    But the problem is sometimes we take that superpower and we use it against our family to distance ourselves from them. What creates a situation in which a child begins to distance themselves from a family? We're very used to this culturally, but this is actually very unusual. If you look at many times in history, it was pretty unusual to have a child distance themselves from the heart of their father in very warm cultures where families are designed to work together.


    In our culture, it's unfortunately very common. Many of us come from fairly cold cultures when it comes to emotional warmth. And many of us raise our kids in such a way that they are identifying and forming bonds with many people outside of our family. Sometimes the family bonds can actually feel like a threat to them. And so we can create this disconnect generationally. Part of it is just — we have to have this conversation. The father has got to warm up his presence in the home and create that situation where he is becoming emotionally transparent.


    Jeff: We are called as dads to warm up our homes, to turn our hearts to our kids. Not about how close do I feel to my kids, do I feel attached — but man, how are they perceiving and feeling me as a father, and what level of warmth am I bringing?



    CLIP 2 – TED CUNNINGHAM (Episode 417)

    Topic: God as the True Source


    Jeff: That jumps us right into episode 417. This is a clip from Ted Cunningham, and he has just this easy-to-understand flip — am I looking to invest input into my kids so that they input back into me? Am I the role of the provider, or is it God in heaven? This is super key for fatherhood.


    Ted: We've also made the mistake with our kids — through vanity parenting and companion parenting and perfection parenting — thinking I pour into my child and my job is to connect my child to me as the source of life. And no, no, no. Your job every day as a parent, according to Deuteronomy 6:4 through 7, is to point your child to the true and only source of life. We've fallen for this faulty input-output theory of parenting that says whatever I pour into my child is what I will get out of my child.


    Every single day, from the moment you get up to the time you go to sleep at night, as we're sitting around the house, as we're driving down the road, I'm to point you to the true and only source of life. And so whenever we feel the blame game creep into our home or codependency, we just simply say — my source is Jesus, not you.



    CLIP 3 – PASTOR TIM TIMBERLAKE (Episode 424)

    Topic: Tone and Speaking to the King in Your Child


    Jeff: And this brings us to my favorite conversation of the dad year. Now, am I allowed — as a podcast host with eight and a half years of weekly podcasting — to pick a favorite? Yes. From this previous year, I think I am allowed to say this was my favorite conversation. Pastor Tim Timberlake, he's from Jacksonville, Florida, just an hour north of me. We sat down for a two-part conversation. Just in the first 10 minutes, I described it as running up and down a basketball court together. I was throwing alley-oops, he was dunking. And the first 10 mini questions that I asked him — that alone, there is so much gold. But I picked out a short three-minute segment. This is from his dad, who passed away, and he's reflecting on him.


    Tim: Some of the greatest gold that I have gleaned from my dad is tone. I never heard him raise his voice. I never heard him yell. I never heard him speak from frustration or anger. Tone was just impeccable. And so when there was something that I did bad — and I did a lot of bad things, man — he would sit me down, and his tone would be so loving that the love of my father would convict me into wanting to become better. He would always sit me down and talk to me through love, not frustration. He would always demonstrate the Father's love through godly discipline. And he would always love me back into a place where I understood my place and my identity anchored in him. And I didn't have to work for his love. I didn't have to prove anything to receive his love. He gave it to me.


    And so I think that's one of the greatest things, man. Tone. I try to model that with my son. I don't raise my voice at him. We don't discipline him out of anger or frustration. Everything is done out of love because it marked me and I know it's marking him. Because our size, our volume, our first response — it is often the wrong tone.


    Jeff: I actually think I read this — that your dad never spoke to the rebellion or the things you were missing.


    Tim: He didn't speak to those. He called out of me the things that he knew were in me. And I always say this: in us we have both a fool and a king. As dads, as men, we have both a fool in us and a king. And the one that you address is the one that will respond.


    Something that Jesus really challenged me on in my parenting — He said, I don't just want you to respond like me. I want you to react like me. And so if we react like Jesus, then even when things catch us off guard, even when there are moments where your child drops the ball and fumbles and messes up, your reaction is like Jesus and your heart is like Jesus. It reminds them that they are loved first. They are not what they have done. And there's still a place at the table for them.


    My daughters — they are daughters of God in heaven. They are princesses. They are little queens. They are royalty. And am I responding to their high calling, or am I reacting to them as an annoyance in the moment? What I think and how I treasure them makes a massive difference.



    CLIP 4 – MAC LAKE (Episode 435)

    Topic: Unhurried Presence


    Jeff: So I'm so grateful for all of the insight from Pastor Tim Timberlake. Let's move to insight from Mac Lake. You probably have heard of his son Brandon Lake, the recording artist, worship leader, songwriter. His dad, Mac Lake, has spent decades coaching leaders — 30, 40 years — and he's known as Pops for his family. There are a couple areas where he looked back and said, I wish I had the skill that I have now back when I was parenting young kids. So this comes from episode 435 with Mac Lake.


    Jeff: What are you good at today that you wish you could have been good at back then? Something that's transferable to younger dads?


    Mac: A posture of unhurried presence. In your 30s and 40s, your primary priority is your career. You're trying to prove something to the world. You're drive, drive, drive, trying to succeed and all that. And so I would say I wasn't always good at having a posture of unhurried presence. But when my grandkids are at my house or I'm at their house, they are number one priority for me.


    There are times when all the adults are gathered around the dinner table having fun conversations, laughing and all that. But my grandkids are saying, hey Pops, can you go throw football with me? Absolutely. You leave. Yes. I will leave that conversation that I would love to be a part of, and I will go and spend unhurried presence with you. And I do carry my phone with me when I'm with them because I video them and capture little moments — but I don't check my phone when I'm with them. I try not to take phone calls. I just want them to experience me as being totally present, not distracted.


    So often we are present with our kids, but we're not present with our kids. And so I think putting everything aside and saying — you are the thing that matters most in this moment, and I'm going to be present with you. And if you want to throw a football for 10 minutes, I will throw a football for 10 minutes. But if you want to throw a football for 60 minutes, I will throw it for 60 minutes.


    Jeff: I think of the phrase, I enjoy you. This savoring — I hope it even goes longer — versus the natural. In the natural, I gravitate towards let's get to the next thing. That's the hurry that you're talking about. When I hear the phrase unhurried presence, when I think about pace — daddy, I know this is an area that I can work on more. I get to, I don't have to force it. I get to bring more of my unhurried self to my girls. And there are lesser value things that I all the time give high value to when it comes to my time. And then I am hurried with the ones I love most.



    CLIP 5 – SETH DAHL (Episode 429)

    Topic: Emotional Regulation


    Jeff: This takes us to our last — our 10th conversation — the 10-episode look back, this two-part series. This goes to an accidental podcast. Seth Dahl has been a guest, I think four or five times over the past seven years. He now lives in Northwest Florida. He is a friend, a ministry partner. He is an emotional health coach — he coaches coaches — and he has invested so long, written many books on parenting and family and pace.


    This was an accidental podcast. I asked him to come on with our alumni from our Dad Awesome Accelerator — the graduates — to do a special session, but I recorded it. And afterwards, as I was praying through it, I just felt this has to be shared beyond the alumni. So several months after that alumni call, I shared this podcast. And this specific takeaway is a punch in the gut every time.


    Jeff: I'll just read what you've shared with me a few times — a hard truth for dads: A man who can't regulate his emotions forces his wife and kids to do it for him. His kids walk on eggshells and his wife carries the entire emotional weight of the family.


    Seth: A huge hard truth for dads. I don't want my family regulating my emotions for me. Another way to say that is — sometimes when we are telling our children to regulate their nervous system, really what we're trying to do is get them to regulate ours, because ours is out of whack too. And so we're trying to control the situation, force the situation. Because we are thinking: if you just do what I say, then my nervous system will calm down. And so I'm asking you to regulate mine, not regulate yours.


    I think emotional health and wellbeing is a massive topic for dads. Regulating your own nervous system so that you're not asking everybody else to — it ultimately comes down to anything that I've identified with. If I've identified with my favorite sports team, and one of my kids interrupts the game, how do I react? Well, if I react super angry, I have identified more with watching the game than with being a self-controlled dad.


    And I think ultimately that's what it comes down to — the Holy Spirit wants us to operate and nourish our families with self-control. We grow this fruit called self-control. Our family gets to eat from it. This fruit that we're growing, they get nourished from it. And so I think self-control is a huge thing for God. It's really important to Him.


    Ultimately, it comes down to anything I've identified with. It's all an identity issue. Every emotion inside of us generates based on something connected to our sense of self, our sense of identity — which another way to say that is ego, or flesh in Christian terminology. Like, if you can trigger me, I'm reacting a certain way. Obviously there is righteous anger — we should be angry about certain things. But a lot of times we find ourselves getting angry at a bunch of stupid stuff. We forgot our kid is six years old. We're treating them like they're supposed to be thirty-five. And ultimately it comes down to — wow, I'm operating in the flesh. I'm operating in ego. I'm operating in an identity that is different than what God has called me to.


    And if I can look deeply at that, I can shift how I react emotionally. Once you see how emotions work and how they connect to our sense of self, our identity, you get a lot of power and you get a lot of self-control. It's a huge topic, and it's a really important one because we as dads typically tend to control other people instead of controlling ourselves.



    CLOSING – JEFF ZAUGG


    My prayer for each of us is that these ten episodes, this Father's Day look back, produces action. There is one of these conversations where your action step might be — go back and listen to the whole conversation. Many of you, it's a first time listen. Many it's a second time. Either way, we need to step further into God. What do you have for me from this principle, from this conversation?


    A few of the overlapping themes, just as a reminder: you own your own heart. Your heart is upstream to anything you can bring to your families — your own heart, your inner heart, your emotions, your connection with God in heaven.


    The second area was emotional regulation. Basically, we're setting the tone. The climate in your home — we're setting that self-control, loving tone, volume. It matters. It is so huge.


    Then — we give the gift of our unhurried presence to our kids.


    Anchor your own identity in God in heaven. He's the source. Fire yourself as the source. Fire your kids as the source. God in heaven is your source.


    And the last part I wanted to emphasize is — we don't have to earn our Heavenly Father's love. We don't have to carry a performance-based approach to fatherhood. We don't have to muscle it. God in heaven is our source. Point our kids to that source. Point ourselves. Turn our hearts to Him as our source.


    So again, this is a flyover. There's so much here. Check the show notes for the key takeaways, some of the key quotes, and pray into — what's my action step? And your action step, if it has a person that you share it with, if it has a time horizon, you're gonna take the action. And if it has something specific that you're going to do — those three things of a person to share it with, a specific action step, and a time horizon — those three things will greatly increase our ability to take action.


    I'm grateful for you guys. Thank you for being a part of Dad Awesome, for leaning in with your whole heart. Thank you for being dads of action. Thank you for praying with us, praying into joining us as a ministry. We're praying for nine more families to join our monthly support team. Just pray into that — dadawesome.org/give. All the podcast notes from today are at dadawesome.org/podcast. Just look for episode 440.



    CLOSING PRAYER


    God, thank you for these conversations. Thank you for this year that we're looking back to. God, so much wisdom shared with this podcast, with these conversations. God, so much wisdom — we pray for your wisdom to plant itself deeply in our hearts and to be flowing into our homes. We pray for your wisdom over these dads. May they feel encouraged and celebrated as they start their dad year. May they know that you're for them. God, thank you for them listening, for being learners, for having this curious humility to say, I want to grow. Thank you for them. Give them your strength. In Jesus' name. Amen.


    1. "My strength points my kids to me as their savior, but my weakness points them to who my savior is." — Pastor Dave Brickey, Ep. 391

    2. "You lead with your strengths, but you connect through your weaknesses." — Pastor Dave Brickey, Ep. 391

    3. "My heavenly Father has set the scoreboard to infinity." — Jeff Zaugg, reflecting on Ep. 394 with Lance Welch

    4. "I don't get to choose what feelings I have. I only choose what I do with them." — Dr. Jake Smith, Ep. 398

    5. "He can't walk on water — but he just might be tight with the man that did." — Walker Hayes (via Craig Allen Cooper, Ep. 418)

 

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Jeff Zaugg
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439 | The Dad Year in Review: Strength in Weakness, Order Out of Chaos & Being Tight with Jesus (Part 1)