441 | Follow Jesus, Live With Enthusiasm, and Fight for Family (Tyler Van Eps PART 1)

Rhythms & HabitsAdventure & Creating Memorable MomentsRaising Jesus Followers
Written By Jeff Zaugg

Episode Description

What happens when two dads strap GoPros to paddleboards and hit the lake at 5:45 in the morning? In this first part of a two episode conversation, Jeff sits down with longtime friend Tyler Van Eps for a raw, reflective discussion about intentional fatherhood, family rhythms, and what it looks like to lead your kids with purpose. From milestone trips to weekly family huddles to quarterly prayer rhythms, Tyler shares the experiments his family has been running…

  • Tyler Van Eps is a husband, father of four, and Senior Vice President at the National Christian Foundation Twin Cities, where he serves families and business owners around the stewardship of generational wealth and kingdom-minded generosity. A longtime friend of the Dad Awesome community, Tyler has joined the show multiple times including a campfire conversation and a tree fort recording. He is passionate about leading with purpose, living with enthusiasm, and building a family culture rooted in faith.

    • Fatherhood moves through three distinct seasons of investment: physical, time, and emotional, and knowing which season you're in changes how you show up.

    • A weekly family huddle built around purpose, vision, and values gives your kids a compass they will eventually use to call out greatness in each other.

    • Milestone trips don't have to be expensive or elaborate because what your kids remember most is being pulled out of the normal lineup and seen as an individual.

    • The goal is not to control your family's calendar but to steward it, which means learning when to add things and when to subtract them without shame.

    • Adopting a posture of exploration in your fatherhood is far more sustainable than building rigid rules, because it invites your family into the journey with you.

  • JEFF:  Tyler, I don't think I've recorded a podcast at 5:45 in the morning before. I think we're breaking the record for earliest — and for the calmest. It's just glassy water. So still this morning. A little bit of misting rain on us. Paddleboard podcast. You could name a whole show. Paddlecast. So give us the current chapter of fatherhood.

    TYLER:  My oldest, Kylie, is turning 13 next month, so we're launching into the teenage years. Kinsey and Maya, my twin girls, just turned 10 in April. We just got back from a three-night trip to Colorado with them, which was super cool. And then Brooks is seven. I've heard dads talk about the physical effort years when they're little — all the caretaking. Then the time effort years, between eight and thirteen or fourteen, where you're driving to every activity. And then the emotional investment years once they hit teenagers, middle school, high school. I think we're firmly in that middle season and starting to enter that third one, where managing relationships outside the home is becoming a massive thing with our oldest.

    JEFF:  So let me make sure I have that right. Physical — just doing the stuff. Then time.

    TYLER:  Diapers, bottles, potty training, bedtime. Yeah.

    JEFF:  There's overlap for sure. But the defining mark of entering that third season of emotion is when conversation flows a little less naturally. It takes more thoughtfulness to go deeper or longer. Because there's a flip happening — all kinds of new joyful and hard changes. Let's go into the Colorado trip. Why and how did that come together?

    TYLER:  Shelly was really the instigator. When my oldest turned ten, she set up a special trip for her. Shelly is so good at celebration — that's just a gift God has given her. The initial plan was that she would take the girls on a trip, and I would take Brooks when he turned 10. But my twins decided it wasn't going to be fair for dad to only get to do one trip, so they invited me to come along. They got to plan the location, and they had say in the activities. We went to Colorado — whitewater rafting, zip lining, and a day in Rocky Mountain National Park.


    TYLER (cont.):  With twins, they so often get lumped together for everything. This trip gave us a chance to see their individual personalities — especially their goofiness. Kinsey is normally the quieter one, but without little brother poking at her or big sister being bossy, she just came into her own. We didn't have as much structured conversation as I would have liked — it was a busy season — but honestly, so much of it came naturally in car rides and on hikes. I was just grateful for that.

    [Note: A bald eagle circled them on the lake during this section of the conversation.]

    JEFF:  I think sometimes our kids benefit from us just being dad — not the perfectly prepared version. And the trip itself is one of the most tangible things I could recommend to any dad. For me it was at 11 years old — I flew my daughter to San Antonio. But it could be three hours away, a camping trip, a $120 budget or zero. It doesn't matter. When you strip out the big sister and the little brother, the dynamics shift. The flourishing looks different. It's just you and them.

    On Control, Surrender, and Sabbath Rhythms

    JEFF:  Is there anything else at a high level — less weekly or monthly cadence and more as they grow into a next chapter — that you're thoughtfully or prayerfully planning?

    TYLER:  One of the things I'm wrestling with most right now is how much I can and should control around my kids' lives. Shelly and I were just reflecting and mourning that we were probably out of alignment the last couple of months — what we value as a family wasn't being expressed in our habits and rhythms. We stepped back and said, I don't think AAU basketball is something we'll ever do again. It separated our family for almost three months.

    TYLER (cont.):  One of the things I've been trying to wrap my mind around is a Sabbath rhythm for our family. And there's something in Deuteronomy — maybe Leviticus — about feasts and celebrations in the Old Testament. God's people set aside a tenth for a week-long party. I think about that and wonder: how do God's people mark milestones and celebrate in community?

    JEFF:  Celebrate well. Grieve well. Turn the calendar to the next week well. As I think about the calmness we're experiencing right now — the sun rising, the eagles, the blue herons — what we're doing out here has a lot of parallels to what we're surrounded by. What's stirring in you right now that you want more of in your fatherhood?

    TYLER:  Even as I look down at the water, I'm thinking back to Colorado a week ago — looking at still water with mountains in the reflection instead of trees. And then I see rocks flying over my head as our kids just want to play. Soaking in moments of peace, and allowing them to be there with the assumption that disruptions are around the corner. Not trying to control when the picture is clear and when the disruptions come. Just to surrender a little of that control.

    TYLER (cont.):  There has to be a surrender that's fundamental to the way you approach fatherhood, family, and faith. That's what's been stirring in my spirit. Getting out here at 5:30 in the morning — there are things I can control to create moments of peace. But that Sabbath rhythm I'm exploring personally is something we're also trying to structure as a family.

    JEFF:  I like that you said we're exploring as a family. It feels a lot less rules-based. Let's run some Sabbath experiments. Let's try to bring more of the peace of God — the shalom that exists in heaven — into our family. And I want to normalize something: when I pull ideas out of you like this, I can feel like I'm so far behind. Maybe that's an okay feeling to name. We don't need to pressure ourselves to be the most intentional dad on Instagram and nail it perfectly.

    TYLER:  That encouragement is so good. My tendency is to drive structure and strategy — and it comes from a place of pure intention. I see something missing and I want us to experience it fully. But sometimes the temptation is to force it, to create rigid structures. And when you do that, you not only miss the journey — you miss the invitation for your family to help build it with you. Our girls have asked to look at pictures from the Colorado trip every single day since we got back. They love reflection. They love the story of their relationships.

    JEFF:  Adopting a posture of exploration. Turning hopes into experiments, into action. Then deciding with our family — what are we adding? What are we subtracting?

    The Family Huddle

    JEFF:  Tell us about some of the current or past experiments that have brought life to your family.

    TYLER:  The big one we started implementing in the last couple of years is what we call the Family Huddle. It happens around a meal — we shoot for Friday dinner or Saturday breakfast. It started because I personally wanted to grow in my stewardship of time, talent, and treasure. As a young family, time felt like the hardest resource. I also wanted our kids to speak into our calendar — not just show up where they're told, but actually feel like they have a voice in the week ahead.

    JEFF:  You said you wanted to grow toward mastery of your time. That's not a normal thing for a dad to say. I love it. What did the huddle turn into?

    TYLER:  We almost always ground the conversation in our purpose, vision, and values. Our family identity is that we are fountains of living water — we're supposed to bring living water to everyone around us. Our purpose is building communities of joyful faith. And our values are: Follow Jesus. Live with enthusiasm. Fight for family.

    TYLER (cont.):  The most deeply satisfying part has been hearing one of my kids articulate in a real moment that we were living out our purpose. About a month ago, Brooks was cheering his face off for his teammates at a baseball tournament — they're a young team, having a rough season. He comes back to the car and his sister Kinsey says, 'Brooks, you were living with enthusiasm. That was awesome.' Hearing them call it out in each other — those have been my favorite dad moments.

    TYLER (cont.):  And 'fight for family' came out of a conversation where I said: guys, we've got to stop fighting with our family and figure out how to fight for our family.

    JEFF:  How long have those values been in place?

    TYLER:  The values have been in place for at least four years. The purpose and identity pieces have taken shape more in the last two or three years.

    JEFF:  Give us more texture on the actual huddle. What does it look like?

    TYLER:  I've shortened it over time. The first time we did it, it took 45 minutes — way too long. We do purpose, vision, values. Then we look at the calendar — we reflect on the week's highlights and document them on a piece of paper stapled to a felt board panel by the kitchen table. Very analog. A lot of times one of the kids writes down what the others are saying. Then we look ahead at what's coming this week.

    TYLER (cont.):  We also do commitments — we don't call them chores, we call them commitments. They have personal daily ones: their room, their locker by the garage door, personal hygiene, homework. Then one shared weekly commitment assigned to each of them — cleaning their bathroom, cleaning all the windows on the main level, vacuuming, and one more. And one thing they do after dinner each night.

    TYLER (cont.):  Then we do character. We pick one character trait to focus on every week. It started with the fruit of the Spirit — we have a list of about fifteen different traits. Peace, self-control, honesty. It gives us a chance to speak into patterns or behaviors we're noticing. We've done stewardship. Patience was one we did three weeks in a row.

    JEFF:  Who leads the huddle?

    TYLER:  Mostly dad led. Their allowance is a combination of commitments and character. And yes, there's always some negotiating — 'Dad, if I do everything after dinner, can I still get my allowance?' I play bad cop in those moments. Hold the commitments. Hold the standards.

    TYLER (cont.):  We had a financial piece for a while — spend, save, share. We have a little generosity jar by the kitchen table. They'd take a dollar from their allowance and drop it in. All four kids are on Greenlight now, so the generosity piece has gotten harder as we've gone digital. We also had a dance party button from Amazon — you pound it and it plays a dance beat. It was tied to our 'live with enthusiasm' value. Mom may have gotten rid of it when it migrated from the kitchen table to every room in the house.

    TYLER (cont.):  We've also added a 20 to 30 minute logistical check-in for Shelly and me after the kids do their after-dinner chore. I heard on a Jordan Peterson podcast — and I'll say I learned this from, not that I stole it — that if you can achieve 90 minutes of logistical connection with your spouse every week and 90 minutes of emotional connection, that's going to lead to the healthiest marriages.

    JEFF:  90 and 90. That's only three of our 168 hours.

    TYLER:  That's all it takes. And we fight for it. It's hard.

    Quarterly Prayer Rhythms and Spiritual Formation

    JEFF:  Anything else on the huddle before we move on?

    TYLER:  We're trying to add a quarterly rhythm that hones in more on spiritual formation. I've had a personal habit of praying through themes, images, and pictures for each of my kids on a quarterly basis. In March, I spent time praying through each of the kids and for Kylie, my oldest, I had this picture of a lonely tree on a mountain — the one tree that found some soil on the side of a cliff and stands alone. I had an impression she was going to have a season of standing alone, and that ended up being very appropriate for some challenges she was walking through at school.

    TYLER (cont.):  There's a verse in Joshua about Caleb having a different spirit — something unique God was placing. That became a theme I've been praying over Kylie since March. For my twin girls, there's a picture of a windmill — graceful power. I want to be more intentional about inviting them into those moments on a quarterly cadence, not just when they randomly come downstairs while I'm doing devos. Letting them hear what I'm praying for their lives. They are so curious about what my heart is toward them.

    JEFF:  A roughly quarterly rhythm of seeking God for an image, a word, a verse for each kid — and then inviting them into it.

    TYLER:  Yes. It's based on a lot of the EOS/Traction principles used in small businesses — but those are rooted in biblical seasons. God designed it all. It started with Shelly and me looking at whole-life stewardship on a quarterly basis. Same format as the weekly huddle, but zoomed out to 90 days. There's only so much you can change in the middle of a week or a month. But in a 90-day window, if you feel misaligned, you have real ability to make adjustments.

    JEFF (OUTRO)

    Thank you so much for joining us for the first half of my conversation with Tyler Van Eps. You can jump over to dadawesome.org/podcasts, look for Episode 441, and find the show notes for today's conversation.

    Action is required. To be Dad Awesome, we need to move past intent and take action on something shared today. It can be micro — small steps forward. That is being Dad Awesome.

    Your step forward today might be the Dad Awesome Accelerator Coaching Framework — a six-week sprint of everything we've learned in eight and a half years. Jump to dadawesome.org/coaching.

    Come back next week for Episode 442 — the second half of my paddleboard conversation with Tyler Van Eps. Have a great week.

    • "Follow Jesus, live with enthusiasm, and fight for family. The fight for family came out of, hey guys, we gotta stop fighting with our family and we gotta figure out a way to fight for our family."

    • "There has to be a surrender that's kind of fundamental to the way that you approach fatherhood and family and faith."

    • "Soaking in the moments of peace and allowing them to be there with the assumption that disruptions are around the corner."

    • "If I'm not a steward of the time God's given me with my kids, there are these core memories that I could just be blazing by without even realizing it."

 

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Jeff Zaugg
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