437 | Son, Come Home: Shame, Freedom & Fatherhood (Part One) — Gabe Biedenbaugh
Episode Description
Pastor Gabe Biedenbaugh opens up about the generational faith handed down to him, the shame that nearly disqualified him from his calling, and the "you're not enough" lie so many men carry. In part one of this Father's Day conversation, he shows why vulnerability, brotherhood, and a heart to serve are the way home.
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Gabe Biedenbaugh is a pastor at Reverb Church in St. Augustine, Florida, who has spent the last 15-plus years giving his life to building and discipling men. In Northeast Florida he leads teams that walk hundreds of men through a discipleship process called Transform, and he writes weekly for men through his online ministry, The Forge. His heart is to help men root their identity in Christ, step out of shame and into brotherhood, and leave a legacy that outlives them. Gabe and his wife are raising four kids — Riley, Jake, and twins Luke and Nate.
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The legacy of faith can start with one man stepping in — Gabe's grandfather died young, and other men fathered his dad.
Shame attacks your identity; conviction shows you the way out, condemnation just says you're the problem.
Beat the lie head-on: "I'm not enough, but Christ in me is more than enough."
Vulnerability in real brotherhood is where men get unstuck and find freedom.
A dad living free brings joy home; serving (not being served) is the posture — "leaders are into towels, not titles."
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Jeff Zaugg: This is episode 437 with Gabe Biedenbaugh. Gabe lives in Northeast Florida and has become a friend over the past couple of years. He pastors at Reverb Church in St. Augustine, Florida, and he invests in men — he's given his life to serving men, building leadership teams who lead hundreds of men through a discipleship process called Transform. I loved having the opportunity to sit down in person for a two-part episode: about a half hour this week and a half hour next week as we lead up to Father's Day. We're going to hit themes of generational legacy; the identity whispers that come from the accuser versus God's whispers of truth; brotherhood and vulnerability; and the joy of bringing joy to our families, serving our families, and honestly wrestling with the things that would combat that joy. As we lead up to Father's Day, the Dad Awesome book is live — it's on Amazon and on our website, a perfect gift for Father's Day. Hundreds of you came out and bought the book on Monday, June 1st — Dad Awesome Day — so we're celebrating a huge launch on Amazon. Our coaching cohort also has a few spots left: the Accelerator, our six-week fatherhood sprint, launches June 10th — this will be our 12th cohort. You'll want to apply right away. It's six weeks long; we meet at lunchtime Central time for an hour each week, with homework and application in between. So here's my conversation, episode 437 with Gabe Biedenbaugh. What I've gathered in all our conversations is that you care deeply — you love your family. Every time we talk, I know Gabe loves being a dad. But the follow-through... a lot of people want something to change in the area of men's ministry, or want something to change for themselves — but to do it consistently, for three and a half years in that sphere, and I know it's opposed. Leading and building into the lives of men, the heartbreak attached, the opposition — for you as a dad and a husband. Let's go back in your story for a moment. What led to this chapter? It's easy to look now and think, “Everything's going really well for Gabe.” What's some of your backstory — from your own dad, your own growing up — that makes this matter so deeply?
Gabe Biedenbaugh: That's a great question. My dad is awesome — if we're going to say that on the podcast. He really is. He's such a great father, and I'm blessed that we've made the transition from father-son, which we still are, to peer and friend. He lets me pour into his life and he pours into me. If there's something big going on, I'm calling my dad, because he'll celebrate with me and cheer me on. He even reads all the blogs I post — I'm sure we'll get into some of that. I grew up in a Christian household, born and raised in a Baptist church. I was practically born on the front row — not actually, but my family grew up in that church. I met Jesus there and was baptized at seven; I gave my life to Christ at seven years old. So I knew what it meant to walk with God, and it was a church that focused heavily on Scripture. I loved memorizing Scripture — of course, they also gave you prizes for memorizing things in Sunday school. And I grew up in the South, so it's “Sunday school” — it just rolls right through. My father was such a strong man of faith — not perfect. I think a healthy relationship with your father is when you can get to the place where you say, “He wasn't perfect, but he did the absolute best he could with what he was given.” His own father passed away when he was a teenager. My grandfather fought in World War II and was a very strong man, but of that generation; he came back, had a heart attack, and passed away when my dad was in his teen years. So my dad grew up in those formative years without a father. And he really capitalized on that — we've had these conversations — he said, “I want to be what I did not have.” Some strong men came around him during that season — friends of the family who really fathered him through that difficult time. He looks back and says those are the men who shaped his life through those formative years and taught him about faith. So I'm grateful for a legacy of faith that doesn't even exist inside my bloodline — it came from men who came alongside a boy who didn't have a father. It makes me emotional, because I look at young boys around me, and some of them, even if their father is physically present, may not be emotionally or spiritually present. My heart hurts for those boys. So in the ministries I'm part of, we're not just trying to build strong men — I want them to be strong men who can lead a legacy and leave a legacy, not just for their sons and daughters, but beyond themselves. The way I live my life can impact your children. You and I — iron sharpens iron. If I'm sharpening you and you're sharpening me, the way I live and act directly impacts the legacy you leave. When you see it that way, it matters a lot more than just my own silo. This is a legacy of the kingdom — we're building God's kingdom through fathering and through brotherhood. I had a really strong family. My father and mother love each other, and they were expressive of that love in public — I always saw them hugging and kissing. So I naturally do that with my wife. A lot of men don't have a healthy context for marriage, so I look at how I was raised and think, I was given such a head start, such a leg up, compared to what a lot of men experienced.
Jeff Zaugg: As you think back, are there one or two valley moments — “that was hard, and it helped shape the man I am today”? Anything from that angle of your story that shaped this deeper passion to help men?
Gabe Biedenbaugh: Yeah. I was raised in a Christian home, but I struggled — specifically with lust and pornography. I remember the moment I was introduced to it. I was probably thirteen, with some friends at a public library their mom had taken us to. In that day and age — early internet — the library didn't have any filters on anything. One of my friends said, “Hey, look at this.” I walked over to his computer and, boom, there was an image that honestly is still seared in my mind. It was that first moment of, “Whoa, what is that?” I felt sick to my stomach, but I was also intrigued and curious — and that started a journey of diving off into that world. And every time in my life when there's been a massive moment of God speaking to me, the enemy is right there bringing temptation. It was around that same age that I felt called to ministry. I was at a youth conference, and as audibly as I could understand God's voice, I heard Him say, “You will shepherd My sheep.” As a thirteen- or fourteen-year-old, I thought, that's kind of crazy. And I was honestly scared, so I ran from that calling for a long time. I dove into pornography and chasing girls, all through my teen years. I wanted to get involved in alcohol. I wanted my identity affirmed by females — “If I can get them to like me, to be with me, then I'm somebody.” That's a flawed perspective of manhood. But it's what our culture says: you're a man when you sleep with a girl for the first time, or when you do this or that. What a fake version of manhood our culture tries to sell. I struggled with that for a long, long time, and those were very dark seasons. I was leading worship — I played bass, sang, played guitar. I remember one Easter Sunday. I'd been out at a party the night before and came in that morning to lead worship — probably hungover, maybe still drunk. I'm not sure how everyone didn't notice; I wasn't that good at hiding it, Jeff, honestly. But I remember the feeling of my soul being torn in two, because I knew what was right and I knew I wasn't choosing God's best for my life. I drove away that Easter Sunday after leading worship hungover, thinking, “God, why don't You just strike me dead? Why are You so gracious to me?” But because of the shame of that season, I was distancing myself from God. It was really difficult. At the end of that season, I was back at that same youth conference — somewhere between late high school and early college. I was in the same environment where I'd first heard God's call and then run from it. In that moment of worship, I was struggling, my soul torn apart, and I sensed the voice of the Holy Spirit say, “This is not the life I've called you to.” And it wasn't condemning. It wasn't “get your act together.” It was, “Son, come home. I'm here.” I just sensed God's pleasure — which is such a strange thing to feel in a season of darkness and shame: God simply loving me, His forgiveness, His mercy. It was overwhelming. I confessed to my mom, to my pastor, to my mom and dad — all the things that were going on. I had lost my virginity at seventeen, with a girl from a sister church. It was messy. I went through church discipline after that, and I didn't lead worship for a while — which was a good thing; I didn't need to. I sensed, “Okay, I'm forgiven, I'm moving on.” But something remained. It was the shame of that season. I'd received God's forgiveness, but I felt, “I can't be used the way God called me to be, because of these things” — which is a lie from the enemy. It was the lie of “you're not good enough.” And that lie perpetuated my theology, perpetuated how I walked out my calling. So I pursued a career in business. My dad's a business owner, my brother's a business owner — entrepreneurship is really in our family. I figured, “I'm going to be a millionaire by thirty, own these businesses and do these things.”
Jeff Zaugg: Because the whisper said you couldn't go into your calling.
Gabe Biedenbaugh: Right, exactly. So I went to college at the University of Florida — go Gators — and pursued a career in business. I graduated, but I always felt dissatisfied with the direction, and I felt disqualified. Eventually I was in a great church, and they breathed life on that calling and gave me opportunity. I'm fast-forwarding the story a lot, but eventually I was able to face that insecurity and that shame, and come out of that season stronger, with a clearer calling. I've been a pastor now for the last fifteen or sixteen years. God has been so gracious and so merciful. Seeing that whole arc is a really interesting thing. But to your point — understanding the dark seasons lets me see men in their dark seasons and say, “Me too. I know exactly what you're going through, because I lived it.” Maybe the circumstances are different, but shame feels the same. The shame a man feels because he cheated on his wife feels very similar to me living a double life all through my high school years.
Jeff Zaugg: And a man who hears the whisper of “look what you've done, look who you've become, look what you're hiding” will not bring his full heart as a leader to his home, his family, his wife. He certainly won't step in to help other men, because that whisper just keeps going — that cloud, that wrapping in shame. I know you've seen so many testimonies of men move from stuck or drifting to, “I'm part of the difference for my own family and for so many others.” We've talked about freedom — forgiveness, the truth of who God says we are — but what would you add about men moving from that place to, “No, I'm on this mission. I'm a loved son of God, and I'm helping make a difference in others' lives”?
Gabe Biedenbaugh: Well, shame separates. If you look back at the Garden of Eden, that's what it was — Adam and Eve hid, and it was shame. And think about the first thing they tried to cover: their genitalia. Something I've been considering is that most of the time, the greatest shame we feel is in our bodies — it's because of sexual sin. Sexual sin especially leads us to places of deeper shame and deeper hiding. That's what they did. I heard a pastor say this once: the first act of self-righteousness was them covering their own nakedness with their own works. Then God comes, kills an animal, and makes clothing out of the skin — a foreshadowing of Christ and His sacrifice. There can be other kinds of shame for other kinds of sin, but I think sexual sin is particularly devious in the life of a man.
Jeff Zaugg: He makes the clothing.
Gabe Biedenbaugh: Shame speaks to your identity — that's where it attacks you. It says, “You are the problem.” Conviction from the Holy Spirit says, “You've made a mistake, but here's the way out. I've made a way for you to be in right standing with God.” That's the conviction of God and of the Holy Spirit. But condemnation, or shame, says, “No — you're the problem.” And that's why we internalize it so much. Here's the crazy thing: the lie that “you're not enough” is actually true. That's what a lot of men don't understand. Satan's goal isn't to tell you a blatant lie; it's to tell you something so close to the truth that you actually believe it. I understand my own sin. I know I've failed. That's why the lie of “you're not enough” is so believable. But here's what Satan does: he tells you that truth stripped of the gospel. That's all he has to do — strip out the gospel, the truth of God's Word and of who God has called us to be. That half-truth becomes a lie. So the way I've combated that lie — through a lot of counseling and deep heart work — is to say, “Satan, you're right. I'm not enough. But Christ in me is more than enough.” And I break that lie off. I have to fight that every single day, and I think most men do. Whatever it is — “you're not a great father,” “you're a horrible husband,” “you'll always be this way” — it all goes in that funnel of “you're not enough.”
Jeff Zaugg: The first two years of Dad Awesome, I'd say over and over, “I'm not Dad Awesome. I have a God in heaven who is awesome.” I'd literally say it out loud. And I realized it was a truth from heaven — God was saying, “No, you are; because of Me, you are Dad Awesome.”
Gabe Biedenbaugh: We are the righteousness of Christ. We are. But a lot of men struggle to believe that, struggle to internalize it, because of shame — because the truth of what they know their life to be is in direct competition with what the gospel says. That's why brotherhood matters. That's why it matters to have other men in your life telling you the truth. You can get a lot of revelation just from being in God's Word, but God created us for community, for brotherhood — especially with other men. Because of shame, men tend to lean out of relationships rather than be vulnerable in them. Vulnerability is a hack — an absolute hack — for getting unstuck as a man. If you'll just be open and say the hard thing, many times what you find on the other side of vulnerability is freedom.
Jeff Zaugg: And friends. Alone, if I take a step toward freedom, a step toward truth, I'll still tell myself I'm so far in the wrong direction — I'll discourage myself with shame all day long. But in brotherhood, when I'm transparent and vulnerable and take a step, I'm cheered for. I'm told, “Take another step next week.” The hope is crazy. We just heard about this idea yesterday of being “hope dealers.” We get that in brotherhood, and we lose it the moment we try to do it alone.
Gabe Biedenbaugh: A hundred percent. And that's where Satan wants us. That's the lie of shame — “you won't be accepted, you're not enough, you'll be rejected.” So we have this fear of rejection, this fear of man, and it all leads us away from relationships. But God is calling men to step into vulnerability and brotherhood — first, so you can pour into another man. Just because you're in a season of darkness doesn't mean you have nothing to pour out. My job is not to fill someone else's cup; it's just to empty mine. So my goal when I'm around men is — my job isn't to give you everything you need. Even as a pastor, I struggle with that sometimes: feeling I have to be all things to all people. No — my job isn't to fill your cup. My job is to empty mine. I'll pour into you and let God do what He wants with it.
Jeff Zaugg: There are a lot of parallels in leadership, but also on the home front. I can't bring everything my four little girls need. I can't bring everything my wife needs. But if my job is just, “God, You've given me this, and You'll multiply it” — You're the multiplier. Speaking of family, this chapter of fatherhood — are your twins five, or a little under five?
Gabe Biedenbaugh: They'll be five on June 30th. They're going to kindergarten this fall, which is crazy to think about.
Jeff Zaugg: They're the same age as my youngest. And your daughter is your oldest?
Gabe Biedenbaugh: She's eleven — she'll be twelve in November. So she's going into middle school, and she'll be in the youth ministry this fall. I'm like, I'm not old enough to have a kid in youth — but I am. Then I have an eight-year-old son, Jake. So it's Riley, Jake, Luke, and Nate.
Jeff Zaugg: What would they say — the short version — about a couple of things Dad does that they love? A few things Dad does that he cares deeply about, that have seeped through and that they'd point to?
Gabe Biedenbaugh: They'd probably say I'm funny — hopefully they'd say I'm funny. I try to bring joy to the home, to bring fun and an upbeat attitude. We have a morning routine every single day. The kids come down, and by then I've already been to the gym and done my thing, and I'm hopefully out of the shower, ready to receive them downstairs — game on. I make them breakfast, make coffee, all of it. We have a playlist we play every morning called Morning Praise — fun songs: Forrest Frank, Brandon Lake, and others. I just want to provide an atmosphere of celebration and fun in the morning. I'm always looking for ways to make things fun, telling dad jokes — they always roll their eyes, at least at the ones they understand. My wife is fun too, she's great. But I think dads have a unique ability to just be silly. The kids love it, because to them I look like a giant, like an absolute monster — and here I am being silly and dancing. That's living free. It's living free of shame. When you have shame in your life, it impacts the way you bring your best — or fail to bring your best — to your family. When you feel like you're not winning as a father, you're not going to bring your best.
Jeff Zaugg: It's so true. I found some freedom through a couple of prayer counselors, too — so, counseling theme: we're both fans. Courageous dads see counselors. I found I danced more, I was more open to singing in front of others, more open to wrestling, laughter, crying — all these senses and emotions, my full heart. My eyes even look different since I found some truths and replaced some lies with truth. So it's fun that music is part of that for you. I'll often ask my girls, “On a scale from dad-awful to dad-awesome, how have I been this past month?” Rarely do they put me all the way at awesome — maybe my five-year-old.
Gabe Biedenbaugh: Yeah, they don't want your head to get too big.
Jeff Zaugg: I'll put little check marks along a scale — call it ten or fifteen. And if they land me at some version of “dad, all right,” I'll ask, “Can I have two things? Are there two ways I could be a little more awesome in the next thirty days?” What would your kids or your wife say — a couple of things they'd love you to do a little more of, or a little less of, to move you toward dad-awesome?
Gabe Biedenbaugh: There are definitely times, man. We're in a unique season — coming out of a season as a family. My wife was working full time, with a lot of pressures. She recently left that job — she's gone into “early retirement,” as she says — which is great. She's home now, intentionally spending a lot of time with the kids. But the pressures of ministry and of home life with four children — there's just a lot going on. I haven't been as intentional about maintaining my emotional health as I should have been, and that leads to outbursts of anger. If you want to talk about feeling like a piece of junk — you yell at your kids and think, “Man, I just blew it.” So they'd probably say, “Daddy gets mad.” It's hard to even admit that, but they'd probably say it.
Jeff Zaugg: And for those not watching the video — let me just reach over. Me too. Me too. That anger, like, “Where did this come from, toward these little ones I love?” For a couple of guys recording a podcast for dads to say “me too” — it breaks my heart to say it. But in the last thirty days, where did that tone come from? The snappiness, the crabbiness?
Gabe Biedenbaugh: When you look at your life, there are many reasons. We need to be self-aware about why we've been that way — to introspectively look at our lives, our calendars, our work stress and pressure. How's my Sabbath been? How's my hobby life? How's my time with my wife? Are we getting date nights, or are we missing each other? That can bleed into every area. A lot of guys fall into the trap of compartmentalizing life — “my wife and I are one box, my kids and I are another box” — but it's not really like that; it's all connected. For me, there are a lot of reasons I could give. But for a lot of men, their reasons turn into excuses — and that's where the problem is: “I had a hard time at work, so you need to give me grace because I've been out there providing.” I don't know, bro. So here's something I try to do. Every time I walk into my home after work, I try to remember that I'm there to serve. I have a visual reminder. I open my garage door and walk through the garage into my home, like a lot of men do, and right by the door I have a towel rack with a towel on it. It looks a little out of place — that towel isn't really used; maybe I'll wipe my hands on it once in a while. Leaders are into towels, not titles. I want to walk into my house with the attitude of Jesus, who could have had anyone in the world forced to serve Him, but on the night He was betrayed chose to take off His outer garment, wrap a towel around Himself, and wash the feet of His disciples. So I try to have that heart and mind of Christ when I walk into my home — seeing that towel as I open the door. That has helped me. I'm not perfect at it — if you're listening, you might think, “Wow, that's pretty great” — but I'm not perfect at it. It's just a visual reminder of what my job truly is in that home: not to be served, but to serve.
Jeff Zaugg: That towel — I need those little visual nudges of what's true of me and my calling. When the homeschool zone or the kitchen is a disaster and I walk in agitated, in comparison to what Jesus did that night, can I be humble enough to serve? Thanks so much for joining us this week for the first half of my conversation with Gabe Biedenbaugh. All the conversation links, transcripts, and key action steps will be at dadawesome.org/podcast. And another reminder: the Dad Awesome book is live, on Amazon and on our website — a perfect gift. If you missed Dad Awesome Day, now's the moment — that multiplication day of our community rallying and gifting a copy to another dad. You can still join in; it wasn't just June 1st. You can buy a copy on Amazon this week. And reviews — we're rallying our community to write a review on Amazon, because it really helps. About a dozen reviews could lead to a hundred more dads seeing this book; a hundred reviews could lead to a thousand. There's an algorithm to it, so the reviews really matter. Buy the book on Amazon, then write a review. Thank you for being Dad Awesome. Make sure to tune back next week for part two, as we go a bunch deeper and a lot more practical with Gabe Biedenbaugh. Have a great week, guys.
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"My job isn't to fill someone else's cup — it's to empty mine, and let God do what He wants with it."
"Conviction says you've made a mistake, but here's the way out. Condemnation says, no — you're the problem."
"When you have shame in your life, it impacts the way you bring your best, or lack thereof, to your family."
"I want to walk into my home with the attitude of Jesus, who took off his garment to wash feet."
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