438 | No Scoreboard at Home, Becoming the Man God Designed (Gabe Biedenbaugh) PART 2

Family VisionIdentity & Living as Sons of GodLegacy & Grandparenting
Written By Jeff Zaugg

Episode Description

There's no quarterly report for your marriage and no scoreboard for your kids' souls—so why do so many dads keep looking for one? In part two of this conversation, Gabe Biedenbaugh exposes the scoreboard trap and shares the vision statements that guide his marriage and parenting. Plus, he unpacks a powerful perspective on covering your daughters versus sending out your sons, and why true legacy isn't how you're remembered—it's what your family still does when you're gone.

  • Gabe Biedenbaugh is a pastor, men's ministry leader, and the founder of The Forge, an online ministry helping men find clear, God-given direction for their lives. Every Friday, he sends out his "Forge Fridays" email, and he created the 21 Days guided reset to help men establish direction and become who God designed them to be. Gabe and his wife have four children—three sons and a daughter—and live in St. Augustine, Florida.

    • It's a trap to look for a scoreboard at home. Winning at home is consistency, owning your mistakes, and asking for forgiveness quickly.

    • The best gift you can give your children is a healthy marriage. Aim to be more in love when your kids leave than you are right now.

    • Sons are sent out to start new families; daughters remain under their father's spiritual covering until that authority is transferred at the wedding.

    • The foundation of your life matters far more than the facade. A bridge that looks good but lacks integrity is a bridge no one should cross.

    • Identity is not something to be discovered—it's something to be received from God.

    • Legacy isn't how you're remembered. It's what your family still carries on—in faith, discipline, and character—when you're gone.

  • WELCOME & INTRODUCTION   [00:54]

    Jeff Zaugg:  Welcome back to DadAwesome, guys. Today, episode 438, is the second half of my conversation with Gabe Biedenbaugh. If you missed the first part, hit pause and jump back to episode 437 — the setup, the backstory. Today, though, we are diving back in with Gabe. He's from St. Augustine, Florida, and he invests deeply in men and in discipleship. Today we're going to talk about the scoreboard trap, vision statements for parenting and for marriage, and then we'll move into spiritual authority — covering our daughters versus sending our sons. He's got really powerful imagery around this. Then we're talking deep integrity and legacy in action. You're going to be so glad you're listening today.

    Quick reminder: the DadAwesome book is live. It's on Amazon and on our website — a perfect gift. Now would be the time to order for Father's Day. Many of you have another three, four, five dads in your life, and this could be a perfect moment to say this ministry has been helpful and encourage those other dads by sending them a copy for Father's Day. So this is the second half of my conversation, episode 438, with Gabe Biedenbaugh.

    THE SCOREBOARD TRAP   [02:21]

    Jeff Zaugg:  I need those little visual nudges of what's true of me and my calling. With the disaster of a homeschool zone or a disastrous kitchen, all of a sudden I'm agitated when I walk in. But in comparison to what Jesus did that night, can I be humble enough to serve? And can I take ownership to be a coach in my home? Do I expect things to change because I'm frustrated, or can I look upstream to things that I can do? This is a real problem for me, because I'll do a little coaching here and then move on to something new, versus the consistent training and coaching. That's just one little example with a messy kitchen, but I'm grateful for you bringing up an area that I don't want to be true about myself with anger.

    The dashboard, the scoreboard — this ties in, and I know this is a passion of yours. Work, hobbies, friendship, fitness, the bank account — all these things have a quantifiable nature. The dad life? Less so, in the short run. How have you wrestled with this, both helping others and for yourself and your wife, on the scoreboard?

    Gabe Biedenbaugh:  I think many men want the scoreboard. They need the scoreboard. The reason why is because we've had that feeling of "I'm not enough." So we're trying to find ways to answer the questions: Am I okay? Am I enough? That's why we tend toward sports and competition, which is kind of the way God's wired us — and that's not a bad thing. Go out there, get it. Provide for your family. But we've taken the thing God entrusted to us and made it God, instead of asking: What is God actually calling me to, and how do I invest my time?

    Many of us gravitate toward things that have a clear, quantifiable outcome. At work, the scoreboard is clear. What does the P&L say? What does the sales report say? Did I hit my mark? The corporate world is great at establishing carrots for you to run after. I'm not saying those are bad things, but we need to be aware that we gravitate toward that. I think it's a trap to view your life on a scoreboard. At work, obviously, you have to play the game sometimes, especially if you're in a sales environment. But I think it's a trap to try to find a scoreboard at home, because there is no scoreboard for a healthy marriage. There's no quarterly report of how your kids are doing in their soul. There are maybe trends and things you can see along the way, but what we're building at home — I'm building a legacy, which is going to take a lifetime.

    So this isn't a scoreboard as much as it is a journey. It's like discovery on a map — me discovering new areas and new things and leading my family into uncharted territory. That's what I would want home to look like, rather than me trying to figure out, "Am I okay? Am I winning at home?" No — winning at home is being consistent at home. It's owning your mistakes when you make them. With the anger thing — I always struggle with that — I try to ask for forgiveness quickly, not just say I'm sorry. You can be sorry and not be in a good heart posture. What I try to do is ask for my children's forgiveness, because what I'm trying to do is teach them that anyway.

    If you're going to have a scoreboard at home, it's this: how quickly do you repent? Again, there are maybe some quantifiables — like, are you having date nights with your wife? But here's the thing: you can have goals at home, be hitting the goals, and still not be making a difference. You're going on a date night with your wife, okay — but you sat on your phone the whole time at dinner. I go out to dinner with my wife and I look around and think, man, all these couples are just on their phones, or they're only talking about their kids. So we have very strict date night rules: no phones — phones don't come out — and we don't talk about kids. We don't even have kids when we're on date night. Enjoy each other, and talk about what's in each other's hearts. "Hey, what are you dreaming about? What's on your mind? What's on your heart?" Not related to the kids, not related to the family calendar — what's in your heart?

    So there can be traps even in creating goals at home. Goals aren't bad — I think they're great — but really it's: what are you trying to accomplish, and are you accomplishing that?

    VISION STATEMENTS FOR MARRIAGE & FAMILY   [05:50]

    Gabe Biedenbaugh:  We've got vision statements that we use at home — guiding principles, if you will. Our goal for our marriage is that we want to be more in love when our kids leave than we are right now. Because we see so many homes and so many marriages... The best gift you can give your children is a healthy marriage. As a father, that is the best gift you can possibly give them. You're teaching your sons how to love a woman, how to respect a woman, how to be a father and a husband. But you're also teaching your daughters what to look for. You know this with four daughters — I've got one daughter and three sons, and you've got four daughters, so God bless you, sir!

    I'm teaching my daughter how to be treated and what she should expect from a man. I don't want these little middle school boys coming up and talking to my daughter. I want my daughter to think, "You're nothing special. I'm beautiful — my daddy tells me that all the time." I want to set that bar really high.

    So for our marriage: we want to be more in love when our kids are gone than we are right now, because we don't want to wake up in twenty years and be roommates with a stranger. And for our kids: when they can choose not to be with us, we want them to choose to be with us — not because we're forcing them, but because we've created such a safe environment that they want to come home.

    COVERING DAUGHTERS VS. SENDING SONS   [08:55]

    Gabe Biedenbaugh:  Kids need to leave — especially sons. Sons need to be sent out. Daughters are slightly different. I have a viewpoint that I don't hear a lot of guys talk about: daughters are under my authority until I give them away. Even if a daughter is 40 years old and she's not married, she's still under my authority — not that I control her, but that I am her spiritual covering. A son is sent out to go and make a new family, to be the authority. With a daughter, the authority is transferred.

    My favorite part of any wedding — and I do a lot of them — is the giving of the bride, because in that moment there is a transfer of spiritual authority. When I have those fathers come forward, I'll say, "Who gives this woman to be married to this man?" and he'll say, "Her mother and I." Then I have that dad take the bride's hand, place it in the hand of the groom, lay his hands on them, and walk away. That's the moment spiritual authority is transferred. As a father, it's not that I don't still have authority in my daughter's life after she's married, or that I'm not speaking into their lives — that's totally fine. But I am not the ultimate earthly authority in her life anymore.

    I think that's a really important distinction, because many fathers send their daughters out like sons, and I think that is not helpful for many young ladies. I'm not saying women can't go make money, do the things, be business owners — that's fine. But in the way God has created husbands and wives to function together, fathers are not doing their daughters a service by sending them out like a son. They need to either send them out or have them under their authority and transfer that authority to a godly man who can lead his daughter to become the image of Christ she has been designed to image.

    Jeff Zaugg:  That's powerful. An uncovered generation — all these young twenties, thirties — uncovered young women.

    Gabe Biedenbaugh:  That's the verse from Proverbs: where there is no vision, the people perish. Where there's no prophetic vision — other translations say the people cast off restraint or go their own way. If I as a father am not giving my children strong vision from God's word — God's plan, God's design — then I'm just throwing them to the wolves. I'm actually creating an environment where they're casting off restraint or going their own way.

    Many fathers see their job as done at 18, and they don't know how to transition. There are nuances I haven't even faced yet as a father, but I've watched a lot of guys go through it, and I've counseled a lot of people who have been the recipient of a lack of intentionality from a father in that season — where they've not truly transferred the authority at the wedding. They go through the motions of saying it, but they actually don't, and they still try to control. They say, "We brought this person into our family." No, no — they've started their own family, and now you are extended family to them. That's hard. I'm not there yet, so I won't speak too much on it from personal experience, but I have the theological knowledge to understand that controlling is not helpful.

    THE PIER: FOUNDATION OVER FACADE   [12:35]

    Jeff Zaugg:  Gabe, I know we both pray often, and we have vision and dreams for the strength of men and fathers, and how it blesses beyond our own families — but it does bless generationally in our own family. So I want to paint a visual. We're in St. Augustine right now. About 45 minutes south is where I call home, Flagler Beach. We have a pier that's under construction. Our pier now has 40 of these pilings with rebar going down — I watch because we work out on the beach right next to where they're putting these in. I can hear the pounding of these pilings from my house. They have rebar inside them, four of them in a cluster, and a form where they're going to pour concrete holding the four pilings together, and on top of that will go the pier. I've watched this process over the last year, and it's probably another year until the pier is done. There are markings on these pilings — about 70 to 80 feet under the sand, with 20 feet above ground. The old wooden pier lasted a hundred years; this pier could last hundreds of years. We'll walk on that pier and never think about this strength, this underground, this tying-together. So I dream, when I think of this visual — you know exactly where I'm going — of the dads, and God's bigger plans, and often the pounding we don't like. I'd love to hear what stirs up in your heart, and feel free to take it toward your passion, the second expression of men's ministry, and what you've created in this 21-day journey.

    Gabe Biedenbaugh:  When you think about the pier — I like to think about it like a bridge, which is made very similarly. A bridge has a great purpose: bringing someone from one side to the other, even over a body of water. We have a lot of bridges here in Jacksonville and St. Augustine, some famous ones. A bridge is designed to bring people from one place to another, to make a water crossing where otherwise they might have to go hundreds of miles and waste a lot of time, energy, and resources going around — years of their life, maybe, if we carry the metaphor to your children.

    So I think about integrity. A lot of men think about the word integrity as "I'm going to do what I say I'm going to do" — and that's true. But if I told you, "Hey, you can drive across that bridge, but the bridge doesn't have a lot of integrity," you'd say, "I'm not driving across that bridge. I'll pass." Many men build bridges that don't have integrity — and it's the integrity of their life. They have not built a firm foundation in Christ Jesus, number one, firmly rooting their identity, and then also built the structure around those pilings. You can have faith in Christ, but if you don't have the brotherhood, the discipline — if you're not walking through your life in faith, depending on God, depending on the Holy Spirit, through prayer — then you can have a nice-looking bridge that has no integrity.

    That's a huge passion for me: helping men understand how to build a life that doesn't just look good from the outside. We live in a culture that says if it looks okay, then it's okay. That's simply not the truth. You can see that in construction, but it's also true in a man's life: the foundation matters so much more than what you put on the facade. We need to focus more on the foundation than the facade.

    And men — we're very utilitarian. We're here to accomplish a purpose; we're not here to be beautiful. Our lives can be beautiful, but we're not called to be the thing of beauty. Our wives are a thing of beauty. The church of Jesus Christ is a thing of beauty. But men are more utilitarian, and I think we need to lean into that: it's okay for me to be used. At the end of my life, what better thing to say than "God used me"? God used me to build something of significance — not because of me, and not so I looked a certain way, but so that I actually functioned the way God called me to: to move my family from one side to the other, to be a steady rock they can drive across, that they can go to the end of and fish from.

    THE FORGE & TRUE PURPOSE   [17:37]

    Jeff Zaugg:  The drift is very common for men — realizing, "I've been drifting. I actually haven't been anchored. I don't have this rebar strength. I'm off track." I'm listening because I want to grow. Tell me again — what is the other expression of men's ministry that you lead?

    Gabe Biedenbaugh:  I have an online presence for men called The Forge. I've been writing a blog for almost a year now — it'll be a year in September. I write every single Friday. We call it Forge Fridays. It comes out at 5 a.m., and you get it in your email. The goal of that ministry — and it's really still in its infancy; there are so many more things I want to do — is helping men have clear direction.

    That's really the way it started. I was looking at everything that's online for men — the podcasts, the Joe Rogans of the world, and I try to stay away from anything Andrew Tate. A lot of the young men of our generation and culture are looking to these men who are giving them false purpose for their life. They're giving them a lot of things to do — "go be the man" — but they're not giving them true purpose, which we know is found in Christ Jesus. It sounds appealing to a lot of young men to go out there and play the man, but a lot of men are discovering that just going through the motions of trying to be a man doesn't lead to satisfaction in being a man. We must have our identity firmly rooted in Christ and have clear direction for our life — not just going through the motions of what American culture says is important: having the house, the boat, the corner office, whatever you want to put in that space. It's actually becoming the man God designed you to be.

    There are a lot of misnomers around what that means, and I'm not sure I completely understand it even now. I'm not an expert — I'm a man becoming the man God's called me to be, on a journey like every other man listening right now. But the goal in my heart is to help men see things from a different perspective — to say or write things in a way that makes a guy go, "Huh, I've never thought about it that way before." Not just trying to be clever, but from my experience leading men, loving men, challenging men — taking an approach that's not bathed in machismo.

    I think masculinity gets a bad rap. The term "toxic masculinity" — I know what they mean when they say it. What they're talking about is machismo: the pounding of the chest, "this is what it means to be a man." But men come in all shapes and sizes. There are men who don't love hard workouts, men who love art and music — that's totally fine. Look at David: a manly man who killed a giant, but he was also a poet. Who God has called us to be is not based on a caricature of what we think manhood is — it's based in who Christ is, first and foremost. Christ was absolutely the most manly man who ever existed, in that he sacrificed in ways we can't even fathom by going to the cross. But he was also very tender and kind. Kids loved him — read through Scripture; kids wanted to be around Jesus. He was part of the outcast crowd, not the cool kids, and he actually preferred that many times. He'd associate with sinners, tax collectors, and prostitutes. Now, people use that as an excuse — "I need to go hang out at the bar." Maybe — but those people were changed in Christ's presence.

    IDENTITY: RECEIVED, NOT DISCOVERED   [21:50]

    Gabe Biedenbaugh:  The Forge is really about helping men dive into that. A lot of guys try to find their identity — they're on this journey to discover who they are. But identity — and this is something I say in my ministry quite a bit — identity is not something to be discovered; it's something to be received. Many men are out there trying lots of things to figure out who they are, instead of asking, "Who does God say that I am?" I need to receive that identity, that purpose, that clarity around who he's called me to be, what he's called me to do, and how he's called me to do it. I receive that from him first — and then I go make it happen in the world. I use the gifts, skills, and strengths God's given me to discover how that calling and purpose is to be walked out. That's fine. But a lot of guys are trying to find their worth in what they do, rather than finding their worth in who they are and letting their life work out who they are through the process.

    Jeff Zaugg:  And through deeper relationships with brothers who are chasing after Jesus, through time in his word, we're on this journey of receiving that identity God has for us. And who benefits? It's way beyond ourselves. Well, I'm going to send our dads to The Forge to check it out, learn more, and sign up for your Friday email. I'm grateful for you. There are so few who commit even to a Friday rhythm like that — and it's so important. I'm convinced that intent has to move to action. Maybe to end our time: what are a couple of areas where you'd say, take action here? We talked about counseling — we've both been impacted by that. We talked about being vulnerable in the right circles. What else is bubbling up right now as a "take action here"?

    MOTIVATION VS. INSPIRATION & THE EULOGY DRILL   [23:53]

    Gabe Biedenbaugh:  Action is so important, because in Christian circles — even in our men's ministry — our leaders have to challenge the men: "Guys, we need to stop talking about it and actually do it. Do the thing." That's very difficult for many men, because they like to talk about what they can do; they talk a big game. But I say: show me the fruit of your life. If I were to ask your family and those closest to you — the ones tasting the fruit of your life — "Who is this man?" what would they say? Is the fruit on your tree fake, like the bowl of fake fruit sitting on your grandma's table? Many men want it to look a certain way and can say the right things, but they're not actually putting anything into action. They're relying on motivation rather than seeking inspiration.

    I want to talk about that for a minute. The thrust of your life should be tied to a direction that comes from God — from clarity in his word, relationships, and brotherhood. Around the first of the year, there are all the resolutions. I really dislike resolutions, because I think they set men up for failure — they set everyone up for failure. I would rather have really clear direction and then build systems around getting to that direction, rather than just saying, "I'm going to be in the gym every single day." Even if you're chasing a number on a scale, that's not truly helpful. We should be chasing: Who am I becoming? Who is the man God wants me to be?

    A lot of this is tied to legacy, and that's the inspiration for a man's life, especially fatherhood: what legacy am I leaving behind? I love talking about this, because a lot of guys say they want to leave a legacy — but here's what many men think a legacy is: how they're remembered. That's not legacy. Hot take: that's not legacy. Legacy is actually what your family still does when you're gone. What have you set in motion, and what's the thrust of your life that your children still carry on — not just in traditions, but in discipline, in who they are, in their faith? Are they going to be faithful and endure to the end as believers in Christ because of your life — because of what they saw modeled, what you put into action, what you did?

    A lot of people think, "I just want to leave a good legacy for my family," and they think about money, possessions, a company — or even just "we went to church." Did your children ever see you pray? Did your children ever see you in God's word? Did your children ever see you love your wife the way you should? Or did they see a dad who was distracted? A dad who was physically present but not emotionally or spiritually present? A dad who was apathetic and weak — or did they see a dad who was strong, who was tough and tender?

    That's my heart: I want dads to be tough and tender. They need to be tough to face the battles of life — always ready. If you stay ready, you don't have to get ready. I want to stay ready for whatever challenge God may allow me the opportunity to step into. But I also want to be really tender to the people in my home. A lot of guys are just tough everywhere or tender everywhere. They're tough toward their family — a strong man — but they wind up absolutely crushing their home. Then some guys are too apathetic and weak in their home, and they're weak to the things of the world as well. They allow certain things into their family and life through media. They're not at the gate; they're not the guard on the wall. They think, "I try to be a good guy. I make sure they get to church" — 1.8 times a month, which is about the average right now. That's not it. That's really not it. We need to be strong men who have a settled direction in life.

    That's one of the resources I created for The Forge: the 21 Days guided reset to help men establish direction. It's not really about goal setting. It's about who you are, who you're becoming, and how you can set a plan in place to become that man.

    One thing I have a lot of guys in the ministry do is the eulogy drill. Write your eulogy from the perspective of your oldest child giving it at your funeral or celebration of life — your oldest daughter or oldest son, because they're probably the ones who will stand up and talk about dad. What do you want them to say? Then look at the gap between what you want your children to say, what you want your wife to say, and who you currently are. What's that gap, and how can you attack it?

    That's inspiration. I can be inspired to become that man. Motivation can last for a season, but motivation will not sustain you. Inspiration — from who God's called you to be and the passion he's given you for your family — that's what can sustain you long-term through seasons of high and low motivation. You can always return to that direction, especially when the drift happens. When drift happens, we come back and say, "No, this is who I'm becoming. This is the man that I am." The reality may not look like that yet, but you look at the eulogy you've written and say, "I am that man, and I'm becoming that man." Not to wallow in self-pity and shame, but to say, "I have been created to become that man, and I'm going to do everything in my power to serve my family well, love my family well, and leave a legacy that's not just in how I'm remembered, but in how they live their lives when I'm gone."

    CLOSING WORDS & PRAYER   [30:18]

    Jeff Zaugg:  I prayed for about a half hour before this — I did a lap outside where we're recording. I showed up early and prayed for this conversation, and what jumped into my heart was: you are a man who is shaping men who will shape other men. There's a multiplication to your leadership, and our conversation today is a tiny sliver of that. This 21-day guide of direction for men — we'll link it out and make sure our guys can get a hold of it. I think you actually have a small view of what God's going to do through your leadership. It's going to be bigger. I'm so grateful to be your friend and so thankful for today's conversation. Would you pray over all the men listening? Just a short prayer — that we would have that fire to go do the thing God's called us to, that he's whispered. That we would be men who have that fire to actually take action.

    Gabe Biedenbaugh:  Yes. God, we need you. Heavenly Father, first and foremost, we acknowledge that we are nothing without you — that apart from you we can do nothing. It's by your spirit and by your power that we live and move and have our being. Father, I pray right now for every single person listening to this podcast: God, I pray that you would inspire them by your spirit, through your word, through community. Lord, inspire them to become — let them know that they can become all that you have called them to be. By your spirit, Lord — not through their power, not through their might, not through their strategies and work and discipline — but as an act and work of the Holy Spirit, first and foremost.

    So, God, we surrender to you, and we say: God, would you teach us how to be men? Would you teach us how to be the fathers you've called us to be? As our Heavenly Father, you are teaching us, you are showing us, you are fathering us. Help us, Lord, to take your heart that we receive from you and give it to every single person around us — whether they're our biological children or other people we come into contact with.

    God, I pray right now for every single person, that they would be inspired by you to take action — to become the men you've called them to be, the fathers you've called them to be. God, I pray against the lies of the enemy right now, and I pray those lies be broken off by the power found in the blood of Jesus Christ. He was crucified, and his blood was shed for us so that we would not be in bondage any longer. Lord, I pray they would step into the freedom found in Christ Jesus — freedom from the lies of the enemy. Where we've been believing that we're not good enough — God, we admit that we're not, and that's exactly why Jesus had to come. The truth of the gospel sets us free from every lie and every stronghold that would raise itself up against the knowledge of God.

    So God, I pray right now, through the power of your spirit, tear down every stronghold over every man's life, that he can become all that you have called him to be, all that you have designed him to be — and that generations upon generations beyond him would be changed. Lord, five generations from now, they won't even know this man's name, but their lives will be changed because of the decisions he made today. Lord, I pray blessing upon every single man, strength upon them. Heal them, Father, from all hurts and pains from the past, so that they can be ministers of reconciliation for their families, their children, and the generations beyond them. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.

    OUTRO   [34:11]

    Jeff Zaugg:  Thank you so much for joining us for episode 438 with Gabe Biedenbaugh. The conversation notes, action steps, and links to the two different fatherhood and men's ministries he leads will all be at dadawesome.org/podcast, right there in the show notes. I want to encourage you guys to take a next step as we head toward Father's Day. We are cheering for and rallying our community to order a copy of the DadAwesome book for someone in your world — another dad. Think and pray through: Who could I encourage by sending a copy out this Father's Day? I want to thank you guys for listening and for leaning into today's conversation. Let's be dads of action. Don't allow yourself to stay with intent — move into: What are you going to put into practice this week to be DadAwesome? Praying for you guys. Have a great week.

    • "There is no scoreboard for a healthy marriage. There's no quarterly report of how your kids are doing in their soul." — Gabe Biedenbaugh

    • "Winning at home is being consistent at home." — Gabe Biedenbaugh

    • "The best gift you can give your children is a healthy marriage." — Gabe Biedenbaugh

    • "The foundation matters so much more than what you put on the facade." — Gabe Biedenbaugh

    • "Identity is not something to be discovered—it's something to be received." — Gabe Biedenbaugh

    • "Legacy is not how you're remembered. It's what your family still does when you're gone." — Gabe Biedenbaugh

    • "I want dads to be tough and tender." — Gabe Biedenbaugh

    • "Motivation can last for a season, but motivation will not sustain you. Inspiration will." — Gabe Biedenbaugh

 

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