448 | MULTIPLIERS Part 6: The Purple Carabiner, Delighting in What They Delight In, and Kind Fathering from a Stranger (Ft. Alex Burton)

DADAWESOME BOOKExperiencing God's LoveAdventure & Creating Memorable Moments
Written By Jeff Zaugg

Episode Description

Most of us parent from what we already know and love. We steer our kids toward the sports we played and the interests we developed, and then we wait for them to get excited about our world. In Part 6 of the Multipliers series, Jeff reads Chapter 23 of the DadAwesome book and shares an archive clip with Alex Burton about a prayer, a purple carabiner, and a campfire question that changed everything.

  • Jeff Zaugg is the founder and host of DadAwesome, a podcast and movement helping fathers turn their hearts toward heaven and toward home. What began in 2018 as a ten week experiment with a handful of friends has grown into 400 plus interviews with dads, grandpas, pastors, and authors, plus live activation events that have gathered over a thousand men. He and his family spent more than two and a half years traveling the country in an RV. He's the author of the new book DADAWESOME.

    Alex Burton is an outdoors enthusiast, a climber, and a father of three. He and his wife, Mel, have been married more than 26 years. Alex serves on the staff team at Wild at Heart. His full conversation with Jeff is Episode 297.

    • Delight in what they delight in. Stop waiting for your kids to get excited about your world and step into theirs instead.

    • Our Heavenly Father does not just tolerate what we care about. He delights in it. He came down instead of making us climb up.

    • Ask the men who know you best: what do you see in my life that I am not seeing, and what am I missing? Then do not get defensive. Write down what they say.

    • Connection is worth the sacrifice. The cost is not always money. Sometimes it is time, and sometimes it is setting aside your preferences for theirs.

    • Pause and pray before you show up. Alex asked God what to bring before he ever left his house, and a child he had never met walked away knowing she was known.

  • Jeff Zaugg   00:39

    This is episode 448 of DadAwesome. Guys, I'm so thankful that you're listening today. My name is Jeff Zaugg, and this episode is part six of our summer series, DadAwesome Multipliers. This is a highly shareable series. These are shorter episodes, and every episode includes me reading a chapter of the recently launched DadAwesome book.

    So you're gonna get chapter 23 today. We're focusing on the broader theme of wonder today, which is the fifth core discovery that's unpacked in our ministry and unpacked in the book, DadAwesome. So I am thrilled to tee this up for you guys. I want to remind you, September 9th is the kickoff of our next round of the DadAwesome Accelerator. It's our six-week coaching sprint.

    Over 104 men have now graduated. We've seen 12 cohorts graduate. This will be our 13th cohort. This is everything we've learned in eight and a half years of this ministry, focused in with about eight to ten dads at a time. The cohort's about halfway full, but we do have room for about four or five more dads to join us for this next round kicking off September 9th.

    Apply now. Definitely apply by the end of August to make sure you get a chance to join this transformational journey. It's one of my favorite things that I get a chance to lead. So that's your invitation. In the show notes is how you apply and a little more details.

    Guys, this is gonna be a great conversation today, and I'm so thankful you've joined us. We're gonna jump into me reading a chapter of the DadAwesome book. So welcome. This is episode 448, part six of DadAwesome Multipliers.

    Chapter 23: The Purple Carabiner Principle

    Jeff Zaugg   02:30

    This is chapter 23. The Purple Carabiner Principle. My daughter's ninth birthday was approaching, and I had an idea. We were traveling the country in our RV, and I knew we'd be in Colorado Springs for her big day. Neither of us had ever rock climbed outdoors before, but I knew this was an adventure she would love for her birthday.

    I reached out to a mentor asking about climbing connections, hoping to find a guide who could make this birthday unforgettable. My mentor introduced me to a man named Alex. We met at the base of the mountain, and after a short hike, he began walking us through all the safety and technical aspects of climbing the giant rock wall. We had rented shoes from a local REI, and the largest size they had was 14. Any climber will tell you that climbing shoes run small, so a size 14 actually fits closer to a size 12.

    There I was, sitting at the base of this towering cliff with tears in my eyes, trying to shove my giant size 15 feet into impossibly tight shoes while my daughter watched, trying not to laugh at her dad's struggle. What made this experience special was that we were both learning side by side. Neither of us had ever climbed outdoors before, and we were discovering this new world together with the patient guidance of this stranger named Alex, who had graciously taken a half day off work to create a special moment for a father and daughter. God showed up in purple. That morning, before Alex left his house, he prayed about our climb.

    He felt God nudge him to bring a gift for my daughter. So he grabbed a purple climbing carabiner from his collection of gear. He had no idea purple was her favorite color. When we met at the base of the mountain, Alex prayed over us, encouraged us, celebrated us, and gave his whole heart to making this day special. I experienced something I can only describe as kind fathering from a complete stranger.

    Then he pulled out that purple carabiner and handed it to my daughter. Her eyes lit up and amazement washed over her face.

    Jeff Zaugg   04:50

    She turned the carabiner over in her hand, staring at it like she couldn't quite believe what she was holding. This wasn't just a piece of climbing equipment anymore. It was proof that someone saw her. Someone cared about what brought her joy. God knew her favorite color, and He used Alex to show her.

    Later I learned Alex was a leader with Wild at Heart. Episode 297 with Alex Burton. That's when I heard the phrase that would reshape my approach to fatherhood. Delight in what she delights in. The campfire question.

    Those few words stuck with me. Instead of expecting our kids to get excited about our world, we step into theirs. Most of us parent based on what we know and love. We gravitate toward activities we understand, sports we played, interests we developed. We expect our kids to love what we love, but what if we have it backwards?

    Alex discovered this the hard way. Around a campfire one night, Alex asked his buddies, what do you see in my life that I'm not seeing, and what am I missing? His friends didn't hold back. They told him he was in danger of missing his wife and kids because when he talked about family, he mostly shared complaints. That's when one of his friends looked him in the eye.

    Alex, right now, if I could choose who'd be around this campfire with, I would choose my son. Can you say the same? That question hit Alex in the gut and changed his future. His daughter was passionate about Irish dance. This had previously frustrated him because of the expensive dresses and demanding time commitments, but instead of fighting her passion, Alex decided to dive in.

    How our Heavenly Father shows up. Zephaniah 3, verse 17 shows us something about God's heart. The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you. In His love, He will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.

    Our Heavenly Father doesn't just tolerate what we care about.

    Jeff Zaugg   07:12

    He delights in it. He enters our world with joy instead of waiting for us to always climb up to His level. That's the heart we need when our kids love things that stretch our budget, our comfort zone, or our understanding. When we enter their world, we discover things we never expected. Alex found himself actually enjoying Irish dance competitions.

    He understood the artistry. He celebrated his daughter's growth in confidence and skill. What started as duty became genuine appreciation. Back on that climbing wall, watching my daughter navigate her first outdoor route, I felt my own heart expanding despite my aching feet in those impossibly tight climbing shoes. She wasn't holding back, she was going for it.

    When expensive becomes priceless. Alex's journey with Irish dancing got expensive, really expensive. His daughter's first solo dress cost as much as his wife's wedding dress. They eventually bought seven dresses as she climbed the competition ranks, each one more expensive than the last. But stepping into his daughter's world didn't drain Alex.

    It filled him. Those expensive dresses became investments instead of burdens. The cost isn't always money. Sometimes it's time, sometimes it's setting aside your preferences for theirs. Dads who step in find the same thing.

    Connection is worth the sacrifice. The art of seeing your child. That purple carabiner became more than a present. It showed what happens when a dad's heart connects with his Heavenly Father's heart. Alex had taken time that morning to pray about what to bring, asking God to guide him in blessing a child he'd never met.

    When he chose purple from his collection of carabiners, he had no idea it was her favorite color, but God knew. And through Alex's willingness to listen, my daughter experienced being known by her Heavenly Father. When we step into our kids' world, instead of waiting for them to step into ours, we create these powerful moments. We say your joy matters. Your interests are worth celebrating.

    You are worth investing in. You don't need fancy gear or complicated plans for this.

    Jeff Zaugg   09:38

    You just need to pay attention and show real interest in what makes your kids tick. Here's what happens. When we enter their world, they often become more interested in ours. Children who feel truly seen and celebrated develop the security to explore beyond their comfort zones. They trust our guidance because we've delighted in what matters to them.

    Remember this. That day on the climbing wall, my feet ached, but my heart soared. My daughter's purple carabiner still reminds me of a simple choice: step into their world or stay on the sidelines. Alex moved from frustration to filled. That shift happened because he chose to delight in what his daughter delighted in.

    You don't need to become an expert in what your kids love. You just need to show up and jump in. When you step into their world, you're reflecting how God treats us. He came down instead of making us climb up. Today is the day.

    Jump in and watch what happens.

    Archive Clip: Episode 297 with Alex Burton

    Jeff Zaugg   10:46

    There were a few times in this chapter that I referenced Alex Burton and the climbing journey with him and the podcast conversation with Alex. This is back to episode 297. But I thought how fun to share with you guys a little longer clip. So this is a three-minute clip of my conversation years ago with Alex, talking about this prayerful bringing of a gift. And there are a couple other parallels I think we as dads will really take from this three-minute clip.

    So here's back to years ago, my conversation with Alex Burton. I knew that you brought your heart to making this day a really special day for my daughter and I. And you pull out a climbing carabiner. It was purple. And she is like, it's not just a color she likes.

    It's like her shock of, God is right in this moment when you pulled that out. I'll never forget, we have the picture of you guys and her just grinning, of like this is a gift. Like who brings a gift for her? So I wanted to say, that moment, was there any story that I didn't know about with that clip?

    Alex Burton   11:55

    Yeah. So like that morning, you know, I'm coming to do this with you guys. And yes, like my heart was that it wouldn't just be teaching you guys how to climb, but an experience, a growth experience, an initiation experience, right? Like I think we talk about initiation a lot with our sons, but the same's true for our daughters. And so for her to experience something at a soul level rather than just a cognitive level, it's pretty special.

    And a heart level, obviously. And so I'm like, God, what do I need to know for today? And is there anything going into this you want me to do, you want me to say, you want me to concentrate on? I was praying that morning and He said, grab one of those purple biners and give it to her as a gift. Because I have, like, yeah, I know I'm a dude.

    I like purple too. I think it's kinda cool. So those are my biners. I've probably got four purple lockers that I had grabbed a while back. And so He's like, grab one, give it to her as a birthday present.

    And it was so cool. Just because it wasn't even so much, it could have been anything, but it was purple.

    Action Steps

    Jeff Zaugg   13:29

    It made all the difference. And that's when it shifted. And then there's another moment where you prayed over us and you didn't say, let's gather up and pray. We were just approaching the wall and you started praying over us. And that was another moment that I was like, hey, that's how I want to bring my faith and my trust in God to moments, but it wasn't even anywhere on my radar.

    In that moment, I was so focused on the nervousness within me and the wall, which I think has some parallels to life, right? Of like, how am I approaching this new thing? Am I approaching it in prayer like you did, asking God, is there something I should say or bring? You also paused and asked Him to protect us and you asked Him for guidance when it came to a wall that you've climbed many times before. You weren't intimidated by the wall, but you still paused with us and helped our hearts go into that dependence.

    That story of taking my daughter on her birthday climbing, the first time ever outdoor climbing for me and as well for my daughter. That was for her 10th birthday. And here we are. She'll be turning 13 here in a couple months. So it's crazy how three years fly by, but we do still have that carabiner.

    So here's where we're going now: action steps. This summer series, DadAwesome Multipliers, is designed to lead to activation. So I'm gonna give you a reflection section, reflection, then multiplication, then activation. So three. Let's reflect first.

    This is really practical, it'll be in the show notes, and I want to make sure to nudge strongly, look at the show notes or look at the website for today's episode to actually take a moment to take action. So reflection. Name for each of your children. You're gonna write down the name of your children.

    Jeff Zaugg   15:17

    And then next to their name, what do they delight in right now? What's the current chapter? Is it Legos? Is it surfing? Is it bike rides?

    Is it theater? Is it dance? Is it soccer? Whatever the thing is, write down what they delight in right now. And if you're not sure, that's a great chance to go be curious and find out.

    The next part of reflection is find out where you're resisting. Are there any areas of what they're passionate about where you're feeling resistance in your heart, or in your calendar, or you just kind of wish they were done with this, or you're annoyed with this? Like, man, they're into video games and you just don't like it. State that, and why. Go a step deeper.

    What is causing your heart and your mind to be positioned that way, with a resistance to their passions, to what they delight in? The last part here is, do your kids know that they are delighted in? Do your children know that their dad delights in them? Do they know that your favorite role in life, outside of being married to their mom, your favorite role is being their dad? And you can ask this question: how much have you felt loved by me recently?

    You can ask, man, do you have any idea how much I love you? And just see their response, watch their eyes. You can really probe into that. And you can say, I want to show you more of my love because I love you. And it's not just when you score a basket in basketball.

    It's not just when you play awesome in soccer. It's not performance-based. You love them because they're yours. Okay. The next part here is multiplication.

    So that campfire question that Alex asked, we can copy straight up. Find two or three friends. What do you see in my life that I'm not seeing? What am I missing? Let me ask it again.

    What do you see in my life that I'm not seeing? What am I missing? And then don't get defensive. Just write down what they say. You're looking for perspective into the kind of dad, husband, leader, friend, neighbor you want to grow into.

    That's what it's speaking to, is you want to grow. The next thing here is what Alex did for me. This is again under multiplication.

    Jeff Zaugg   17:43

    to teach me and my daughter and to make it a special, special day. So what could you do for another dad? Could you take some time off work? Could you go help with a project? How could you help another dad and their kids really step into a season of joy and feeling loved and feeling fathered?

    Being DadAwesome is not just for our own family. It's beyond the walls of our own houses. And then the last part for multiplication is send a joy bomb. We talk about this in the episode with Alex. An unexpected gift at an unexpected time, to your wife, your kids, another dad.

    How can you get them to light up? Now let's move into activation. The first is pray before you show up. Like Alex paused and prayed. How do we pray before we get out of the car to go to a recital or a basketball game or a church youth group?

    How do we pause and pray before we show up and see if God tells you to bring something or gives you a word? The pause is huge. Also, we can jump into our kids' world this week. We can research the things they're passionate about. We can come to them with a surprising level of joyful curiosity, joyful participation.

    So we can jump into their world. Putting something in our children's hand, like the purple carabiner. Is there something small that you could pick up from the store, order on Amazon, that you could actually place in their hand and say, I see you, I love you, I delight in you, and I want to give this to you to show you how much your daddy loves you? Is there something in that category you could put in there? I'm not good at this.

    Gift giving, I'm not great at it, but I want to grow. And then lastly, pray Zephaniah 3:17 over each of your children by name this week, out loud. Use their name. I take great delight in you, and say your child's name.

    Closing Prayer

    Jeff Zaugg   19:56

    a beautiful passage of scripture about God delighting over you. You can be a conduit of that for your kids. So I'm gonna pray this theme of wonder and delight. I want to pray over you guys. Father, thank you for every dad listening.

    Thank you that You delight in them. And thank you that wonder is something that we can stoke up with our pursuit of our kids' hearts. Thank you for curiosity, God. Thank you for us thinking beyond ourselves to others. Thank you for reflection.

    Am I using my words and my facial expressions to press in and show my kids how much I love them? God, I pray that You would help us to grow in this area. Help us to understand deeper levels of Your delight, Your love, Your affection, God, and help us to carry that to our kids. God, thank you for breakthroughs here. Thank you for courage to ask the harder, deeper questions.

    Thank you. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.

  • I. Reflection

    Name what each child delights in. Write down each kid's name, and next to it, what they are into right now. Legos, surfing, bike rides, theater, dance, soccer. If you are not sure, that is your invitation to get curious.

    Find where you are resisting. Is there a passion of theirs that annoys you, crowds your calendar, or that you secretly hope they outgrow? Name it, then go a step deeper and ask why your heart is positioned that way.

    Ask if your kids know they are delighted in. Do they know that your favorite role in life, outside of being married to their mom, is being their dad? Try asking them directly: do you have any idea how much I love you? Then watch their eyes.

    II. Multiplication

    Ask the campfire question. Take it to two or three friends: what do you see in my life that I am not seeing, and what am I missing? Do not defend yourself. Just write it down.

    Be an Alex for another dad. Alex took a half day off work for a family he had never met. Could you take time off, help with a project, or create a moment for another dad and his kids?

    Send a joy bomb. An unexpected gift at an unexpected time, to your wife, your kids, or a dad who is grinding. No occasion required.

    III. Activation

    Pray before you show up. Before the recital, the game, or youth group pickup, pause in the car and ask God if there is something He wants you to bring or say. The pause is huge.

    Jump into their world this week. Research what they love. Show up with a surprising level of joyful curiosity and joyful participation.

    Put something in their hand. Something small from the store or ordered online, given for no reason, with the words: I see you, I love you, I delight in you.

    Pray Zephaniah 3:17 over each child by name, out loud, this week. Insert their name into the verse and let it reshape how you pray for them.

    "I experienced something I can only describe as kind fathering from a complete stranger." (04:30)

    "This wasn't just a piece of climbing equipment anymore. It was proof that someone saw her. Someone cared about what brought her joy. God knew her favorite color, and He used Alex to show her." (04:50)

    "Alex, right now, if I could choose who'd be around this campfire with, I would choose my son. Can you say the same?" (06:30)

    "You don't need to become an expert in what your kids love. You just need to show up and jump in. When you step into their world, you're reflecting how God treats us. He came down instead of making us climb up." (10:20)

    "It wasn't even so much, it could have been anything, but it was purple." (13:20) Alex Burton

 

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Jeff Zaugg
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447 | MULTIPLIERS Part 5: A Million Ants in Our RV, Guarding the Doorways, and Freedom That Fights for Others (Ft. Zach Neese)