395 | Influence vs. Control: Building Relationships That Last with Your Kids (Dr. Peter Larson > FROM THE VAULT)
Episode Description
What if the secret to great fatherhood isn't about being in control, but about maximizing your influence? In this From the Vault episode, Dr. Peter Larson shares the game-changing perspective that shifted his entire approach to parenting. From lighting up every time your kid walks in the room to understanding their unique motivational wiring, you'll discover practical ways to build relationships that last. Plus, hear about the dad who visited his son in the hospital 28 days straight and how that legacy of showing up continues today.
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Dr. Peter Larson is a licensed clinical psychologist and assessment expert who has spent over 20 years developing tools that help people understand their unique design and motivation. He's the creator behind Prepare-Enrich, a premarital assessment used by pastors worldwide, and currently works with GLUE developing assessments for churches and the True Motivate tool for colleges. Peter and his wife Heather have three adult children and live near Minneapolis. He's passionate about helping parents move from control to influence in their relationships with their kids.
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Influence beats control every time. You can't control your kids, but you can maximize your influence through intentional relationship-building.
Light up when they walk in the room. Treat your children like rock stars entering the room—this simple shift builds their security and connection with you.
Your kids are always watching. From Christmas tree coasters to how you handle flight delays, you're modeling solutions, character, and faith even when you don't realize it.
Outsource positive influence wisely. Youth groups, mentors, and camps aren't competition—they're allies in raising kids who love Jesus.
Don't ride their emotional roller coaster. Be the stable sidewalk they can return to, not another passenger on their ups and downs.
Mine gold from parents ahead of you. The best parenting advice often comes from observing and asking questions of families you respect.
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Learn about the next DadAwesome Accelerator Cohort
Subscribe to DadAwesome Messages: Text the word "Dad" to (651) 370-8618
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PETER LARSON
you do have influence and influence is wonderful because it's like a continuum. And so your question, as your challenge as a dad, as a parent is to think about how can I maximize my influence while knowing I don't have control.
JEFF ZAUGG
This is episode 395 of Dad Awesome. Guys, welcome. I'm so glad you're listening today. And today we're gonna do a From the Vault episode. So this is where we go back in time, seven and a half years, and I resurface conversations that you need to listen to. You've got to hear these principles, these insights, these testimonies. So Dr. Peter Larson, I sat in his basement in the spring of 2021. So this is back a little while ago, episode 106.
and Peter Larson created some tools that my wife and I used when we were, before we were even engaged, pre-marital counseling tools. And he just, he is a licensed clinical psychiatrist that's working on developing kind of assessment tools that really help us think differently about personality types and about leadership styles. And it's so helpful. So I'm so thankful to bring back this conversation. Again, this is four and a half years ago. He talks about a ski trip with his daughter.
in a much different phase right now, but I know you guys are going to take away from this conversation. And the reason I redug this up is I'm working deeply on the Dad Awesome book. This book project that's been over two years in the making, but really last five months has been a lot of focus on completing this book. I'm 48 chapters into, these are micro chapters, the key wisdom gathered in nearly eight years of Dad Awesome. And I'm right at the finish line, so you can cheer for me, you can pray.
Speaker 2 (02:25.784)
for me, but I want to offer anyone curious and interested about this book project, simply go to the link in the show notes. There's going to be a link right at the top that says, download a free chapter. And I would love to share this with you guys. So, so simply look in whatever player you're listening or watching on and hit download a free chapter and you'll just ask for your email address and it'll send it your way. So, so that is your action step if you're interested and guys, we're to jump right in again. This is from the vault. It's been released.
but it was a long time ago. This is my conversation with Dr. Peter Larson.
Speaker 2 (03:10.548)
this setup question of just something that you're looking forward to right now when it comes to the dad life anything that you're like man this is this is fun in this season yeah
Well, it's actually it's it's a timely question because I'm I'm literally packing ski bags in the other room today because Kate and I are going on a ski trip together. Just the two of us, a daddy daughter ski trip, which is it's it's really awesome because, know, we did a lot of daddy daughter dates when she was little.
Very cool.
Speaker 1 (03:41.446)
And then something happens, you know, in those teen years when the last person they really want to be with is a parent. And it's to me, this almost marks that I kind of keep having to pinch myself because I'm like, she actually wants to go on a trip with just me. And it's like the angsty teen years might be coming to an end. It's awesome.
That's amazing and this is something not a first time I know this is something that you and your wife kind of led into intentionally around what age was it that you guys did some other trips with your kids? Yeah
Well, we gave them all kind of the mandate slash invitation that at 13, we're going to do a parent-child trip with them. And it was just a time as they were launching into those teen years to really be intentional about some of the conversations we wanted to have with them around their faith, around relationships, around what's it going to be like when you're starting to walk into the halls of high school.
You know, we did that with each of the kids at that age and it's awesome to get some time away one on one with them.
For sure. And this is a bit away from where I'm at with my seven-year-old being my oldest. But when you think advice specifically to that kind of 11 to 13 advice that you would have imparted on those 13-year-old trips, which is a while ago, what are some of the top, like if you're coaching a dad in that season that had the privilege of going on a camping trip or doing something one-on-one with their son or daughter, any just top of mind, like these are some of the things that you would pass along as tips for those trips.
Speaker 1 (05:10.54)
You know, I think there's just this theme of don't be conformed to this world, right? In fact, that's kind of a verse that we lean on is don't be conformed to this world, be in this world. But, you know, as believers, we are going against the culture. And so what's that going to look like? What's that going to look like in relationships?
What's that gonna look like in the way you spend your time or the way you spend money or, you know, there's just so many categories, but obviously at that age, it's all about friendships and relationships and boyfriends and girlfriends. And so that was a big topic of the conversation is how do you show up and not be conformed to just what everyone else is thinking and doing.
Right. Cause that desire for acceptance is so strong, especially that is it's strong for all of us. But if you even backed up a step before that, so that's great to know at the kind of 11 to 13 year old, a theme. How about if you went to my daughter's age, seven year old, like to be prepared for your child wanting to go on a 13 year old trip. Uh, what, kind of, just any kind of coaching or tips for that season of fatherhood.
Wow. I mean, when they were, when they were littler, you have this wonderful, I mean, at that age, Dad is like, worship the ground, Dad walks on. You're there, you're a hero. And, and so just being engaged and being present and being investing in, in them at those years, um, and doing the silly stuff they love to do and
Sure.
Speaker 1 (06:52.622)
spending the time. I asked Anna earlier today, even as we were getting ready for this, I'm like, hey, I'm doing this thing. And she's 17. said, what would you say has stood out to you? And she just said, you're here and you're interested and you ask me questions and you care about what's going on in my life. And I think there's an old saying, earn the right to be heard and earn the right to...
be able to say, hey, let's go on a trip together. And I think you lay the foundation in those earlier years by just pouring into those relationships.
That's really helpful. Sometimes as just a rewind before we talk more about your fatherhood journey, talk about your dad for a moment because we know that usually we anchor back to either doing the opposite that we saw done or choosing similar paths because you really appreciated those things. Talk about your dad for a little bit and then both sides of that, areas that you chose the same path of intentionality and areas that maybe you went a different way.
Well, my dad was, he was a rock star. I am one of the very fortunate ones. My dad was the guy that other kids even looked to. My dad passed away about eight years ago now. And even at his funeral, there were several people sitting in that room who came up to us afterwards and were like, your dad was the guy who spoke into my life or helped me or
helped me get that car, helped me get through college. I mean, I don't know how many people he helped, but it was crazy. So he had started as a social worker, and I'm the youngest of four boys, and he just loved his boys. He grew a business almost by mistake in the early years of...
Speaker 1 (08:50.324)
of insurance, starting to cover mental health and treatment. He was able to build a company that became quite successful. And in spite of that, I'll give you an example. So he's the president of this company that had grown to be in like 28 different states and busy guy. Well, what, one summer when I was 13, I broke my leg water skiing, but it was a nasty break. broke my
No,
femur and at that time they used to put you in traction they're like we can't pin this thing and send you home you're gonna be sitting in a hospital bed with your leg elevated weights hanging off there you know that's you know it was it was nasty well the place this where I was skiing where this happened you know it was it was not close to our home it was about a half an hour drive the hospital I ended up in in traction and so here's my dad running a busy come
company. I was in traction for 28 days. There was only one person who made it to the hospital every day, 28 days in a row. And you know, it still gets me. You know, that's the kind of dad I had.
there. He showed up. there. Sacrificed. Yeah. Thank you for sharing. Was there any areas that you, looking back, chose for your three kids, you and Heather chose a different path of intentionality? Any areas you said, I'm going to put more focus here that you didn't see modeled for you?
Speaker 1 (10:22.892)
You know, I think we're still doing that. In my dad's later years, he didn't take good care of himself. probably didn't get that physical activity. He had been a smoker. so he died a little earlier. And I would even add, especially the last 10 years of his life as a retired guy, he had more cocktails than I felt comfortable with.
And so I've been watching that and going, you know, can't just start strong or launch them well. You got to finish strong too. Because that does impact you. that's like probably one of the few pain points when I think about my dad is like, man, he was such a rock star. I wish he would have finished a little stronger in terms of just his modeling of lifestyle.
That's been a theme that I've picked up over dozens of conversations is the thinking of dad life and fatherhood as they're different modules, but that you continue to be an intentional dad versus a coasting or a checking out. Not that your dad coasted or checked out, but there's an intentionality you want for yourself that is a, let's keep game on. This is a season, precious season as well.
Totally. you know, was, the painful part was this was probably the person I respected the most in my life. And yet in the last 10 years of his life, I didn't respect him that much. And so that was, that just kind of tainted the story a little bit. Yeah.
Well, let's ask about your fatherhood now and just that season of dad life. I love to ask the not so awesome question, an area, a mistake, a area that you maybe brought some hurts or you're just like, man, I missed it here in the dad life, in your own journey. Any stories like that that you've learned from?
Speaker 1 (12:15.308)
You know, I've been learning even this last year. If there's one thing I probably have wrestled with, sometimes it's being overly focused on the kids. you hear about helicopter parents and not that we were like total helicopter parents, but like I've been a big fan of my kids. And there's times I feel like maybe to a fault. know, my son, he's been fun.
He's this six foot five athlete. His sport is ultimate frisbee of all things. he was captain of his high school team, led him to two state championships. He went to nationals and they finished second in the nation. Now he's playing at the U of But there's times like I've been too wrapped up and almost like so focused on his.
I love Ultimate. Yes.
Speaker 1 (13:11.052)
his athletic stuff and how's that going? It's felt like it probably wasn't as healthy. so COVID shut all that down. he's at the U now and he's focused on this life group he's in and he's discipling some guys. He's actually discipling some guys on the ultimate team. And I'm like, how much more important is that? Like those are the conversations he and I should be having, not me sort of being overly focused on.
being a fan of his athleticism.
Yeah, the shutdown caused a new angle, a new perspective.
And a healthy perspective, you know, as parents we need to, so I'm a psychologist and sometimes I'll throw in these goofy words, but there's a word called differentiation. And, know, to not get too wrapped up in our kids' life, to be cheering them on, to be supporting them, but not to be so close that you forget kind of where you stand and where they stand. And let them do their thing and not be overly.
close. I've probably swung pendulum from my dad was so involved and so wrapped up in all of, and just a great cheerleader, but probably too much like you're describing. And I went pendulum the other way where I'm like, I don't know if I'm ever going to put my girls into sports. And I mean, it really have gone that side, but I think it's just even taking this a step deeper processing out. How do we, what's the discernment process look like and what is the right amount to encourage and to cheer them on and give opportunities versus.
Speaker 1 (14:36.59)
Yeah, yeah, you know, I mean, there's there's being proud of your kid and then there's being like, letting your own identity creep into it. And feeling the feeling that so, you know, when when you're on the sideline and you're so amped up, you know, you see those nightmare stories of hockey dads or whoever like getting out there and yelling at raps. It's like, OK, I wore that rap.
I was a hockey rep.
Warning sign that dad's too wrapped up in this thing. This these are youth sports, right? You've crossed a line
There's probably somewhere shy that that's still crossing the line. Yes.
for sure. For sure. So, you know, keeping your priorities in check and making sure that's not the only focus of life. You know, life's a whole lot more, especially than something like Ultimate Frisbee, right? It's a club sport. Come on.
Speaker 2 (15:30.67)
But it's easy. It's easy to go too deep into one focus, one area, and then our kids suffer because they miss out on the other side of dad that they needed in that place. Totally. I think it would be helpful before jumping this next step into the conversation, just talk a little bit about what you get to do professionally. Because I think in creating tools that help people move into who God's called them to be, I think that actually gets us where I want to go next with the question. So we'll just talk just a little setup of what you do for work.
Yeah, well, I'm trained as a psychologist. And while I had been in practice with clients and doing therapy for a number of years, really almost like 20 years ago now, I started down a path of developing assessment tools and started with marriage assessments and premarital assessments, a company called Prepare Enrich, and that tool is used by a lot of pastors around the world really to help
premarital couples have the conversations they need to have as they transition into marriage.
And just to cut in like that tool for my wife and I was so helpful for us in our pre engagement counseling we did before we even engaged. did that tool smart. Then we got to help coach six or eight couples through to prepare for there. So thank you for your work on that. And I highly recommend I'm gonna link in the show notes because it's a tool that just helps us see what's unseen. Yeah. So important. Yeah.
No, it was a lot of fun. was with them for over 10 years and helped that tool really go from an old analog mail-in tool to a digital online tool, which then led me into working with a technology company. But it's a really mission-driven company called GLUE. And we develop a lot of resources, but I'm on the assessment side again, helping develop tools that serve churches. So helping them understand where their people are at and how they're doing.
Speaker 1 (17:21.164)
What areas of life are they flourishing in? What areas of life are they struggling in? So I develop a lot of those kinds of assessments. And then I've also helped with some assessments of motivation. So there's a new tool we've worked on called True Motivate that a lot of colleges and high schools are starting to use to help young people tap into really what drives them, what motivates them intrinsically. And so I feel like there's this unique design on our lives.
when we can tap into what that is, really work and vocation becomes a joy rather than a slog.
Well, I think you're...
body of work, your research and your education has prepared your thinking to even it has to, I'm sure it's applied these motivators and how you get at, how is my child, how do they wired and how do they tick? Like how did some of that affect how you and Heather, maybe it wasn't a direct tool that you created at the time, but just even how you approach trying to get after who's God called them to be and how do you encourage their strengths versus get frustrated by the way they're wired. And he just kind of processing a lot around those themes.
you
Speaker 1 (18:29.846)
Yeah, mean, Heather and I joke, so Heather's also got her master's in psychology and she's a coach, a relationship coach. And so our kids kind of joke. Once in a they say, hey, mom, therapize me. Whatever that means. But we're trying not to mess them up with all... But they are so fun to watch and they're so unique. so paying attention to what makes them tick, what do they naturally do?
All of us are trying to-
Speaker 1 (18:59.336)
know, AJ is a leader. And he's not a behind the scenes guy. He needs to be out in front and to give him those opportunities and let him run with that. And Kate, on the other hand, she's this person she loves to explore. She loves new adventures, but she loves to serve others. And so she's been on some mission trips that we've tried to help support her as she's gone on those.
You know, just starting to pay attention to what is it that they naturally do and that they love and realizing there's some motivation there that is going to serve them throughout their life and how do we unleash that, fan those flames. And what's fun is it's going to be different than you. know, they're their own unique person.
So was it all observational with your kids or did you actually, did you create any tools for your kids?
I had the advantage of being able to use that True Motivate tool, so I actually took both AJ and Kate through that.
true filling out the, do they fill out for themselves with true motivates?
Speaker 1 (20:08.61)
They do, they do. It's a fun assessment because it starts with your achievement stories. The question is, what have you done really well and felt good about? And then they start to unpack those stories and those times in their life. then True Motivate helps connect the dots on the themes that are emerging. And so it's just a really fun process because they're talking about the stuff they love.
Yep, that's actually my mind just jumped to the power of testimony that actually sharing a testimony ties in with sharing some of these like stories of success of areas that you really felt flourishing or thriving and looking at the power within that. Even our kids at a young age, they've already have a testimony they've seen God at work, they've seen themselves like coming, you know, living more fully alive and you're tapping into that.
Totally, totally. it's just fun to see. And for me, one of my motivations is building and developing things. And so as a psychologist, I love to build and develop assessments. so realizing that, embracing that, and realizing I don't have to be the therapist psychologist. I can be the assessment psychologist. And that's great to know and then work yourself into that role.
Well, I know in the rookie parent season, you and Heather were surrounded by some mentors. Yeah. Even the staff or it was the, the professors, right? That you were working with in your, in your study. Right. Yeah. Talk about the little, the aha that led to maybe even a new paradigm shift in how you approached.
Yeah, we were so fortunate. So Heather and I got married and I was just starting graduate school at Fuller Seminary in their psychology track. And a few years into that, we were pregnant with AJ, our first child. And it was just as I was kind of leaving the academic realm and getting into the therapy realm. And one of the cool things about going through that kind of education is you're around all these really amazing, wise people.
Speaker 1 (22:08.178)
you know, every new therapist has a supervisor who's a really seasoned therapist. And I remember talking to my, one of my supervisors, his name was Joe. And, and I was, I had some clients who were parents and struggling with some things. And I felt so inadequate because I was like, you know, 28 years old without kids. I'm supposed to help them with their parenting issues. So I would run to Joe and say, Joe, what do you think about this? But
One day we got into a conversation and he said, you know, the problem so many parents struggle with is that they want to be in control. They think they, and they think a good parent is in control. he said, the problem with control is it's just so yes or no black and white. You're either in control or you're out of control. And he's like, it's a myth because you know what? You're not in control. And, and, and maybe we learned that right away with AJ when, when he was a
I'm out of control basically.
Speaker 1 (23:04.532)
Infant like you can't make an infant sleep. You can't make an infant eat. You can't make them do anything. They don't want to do I'm now on the flip side what what what Joe went on to say is like, actually you do have influence though and influence is wonderful because it's like a continuum and so your question as your challenge as a dad as a parent is to think about how can I maximize my influence? While knowing I don't have control so, you know
that infant, can dim the lights, you can make the room really quiet, you can change their, you you get all the conditions set and then you cross your fingers and tiptoe out of the room knowing that I can't make that baby sleep, but at least I've done everything I can. And that picture is important because the same thing's happening, you know, when they're 15 years old and they're heading off to a dance and there's an after party and you're hoping they make good choices, it's like, I'm not in control, but how can I do all
Thanks.
Speaker 1 (24:02.804)
the things to influence and hopefully empower them to make a good choice.
And I know that this, that paradigm has led you to even do some self reflection around, what were, what are some of the building blocks towards being a dad in this case, speaking to dads that, that walks with influence and intentionality versus feels like they're failing on the control side over and over. So give us, yeah, break it down for us. Share some of those building.
That's fun. Yeah. So that's, that has been a big theme for us is just how do we, how do we influence the kids? And you know, one of the first ones we already talked a little bit about is, is you, you, you build that relationship, you show up and you, you're not a dad who's just tuned out or absent, but you're, you're building and investing in those relationships early. That's why we were doing things like a, you know, a 13 year old trip.
And that's one, a simple thing. This is super simple, but one of those, I was on, I was on an early internship at a hospital and, and there was a social worker, a woman who was more seasoned and she had raised these incredible kids and she was just this awesome person. You know, there's people that just light up her room. She was one of those people and she had raised awesome kids and, she found out we were having our first baby and she said, you know what? She said, you know what the trick is?
She said, every time your kid walks in a room, you just light up like a rock star just entered the room. Just be excited to see them. She's like, you know how many people ignore their kid or they're almost annoyed by their kid? If you want to build a kid who, you know, it feels good. And it's not, you know, we don't want to build little narcissists, but what a simple, great little nugget of, you know, the way, you know,
Speaker 1 (25:56.135)
How do you look at them the way God sees them and be like, awesome?
pleasure, deep pleasure that they're here.
I am thrilled you're here. So that was one of the simple things. And that's a great way to start to have more influence is they know this person loves me and cares about me. So what they say matters.
That's super helpful. Go on to the next one. I want to hear some more of these steps.
Well, another one is just modeling, know, realizing that they're watching us. And so you have influence just going about your own business. This hit me the first time with when AJ was about a year and a half old and it was Christmas time and Heather and I were setting up the Christmas tree, right?
Speaker 1 (26:42.094)
And we, you know, she always loves getting a real tree. So we were putting this tree in place and it was kind of crooked. And I was wrestling with the stand and I couldn't get this thing to be straight. And so I'm looking around and I like, Oh, there's some coasters on the table. And I grabbed these coasters and I start propping up part of the, the Christmas stand just to try and get the thing straight, you know, and I walked away and looked at it I was like, yeah, it's a little better. But she's like, no, the coasters aren't going to cut it. So I like, you know,
took the coasters out and I reworked the tree. Well, for the next couple of days, we kept finding coasters under the tree. And AJ, at one and a half years old, had been sitting in the room watching me wrestle with this tree. And for whatever reason, he thinks, you know, I guess we grab coasters off the table and we put them under this tree.
they were copying.
Speaker 2 (27:31.278)
That's what a problem solving dad does. My hero.
Talk about, you know, that hit me like, wow, this kid is watching, he's learning, he's copying the things I do, even when they don't make sense, you know, even when they're irrational. And so it was just a good reminder. So now I'm starting to ask myself, you know what, if he's watching that stuff, you know, he's also probably watching how I treat other people and how I talk to his mom and how I spend my time.
And as he gets older, how I spend my money and how do I show up and the way I drink or don't drink or have a Bible study or spend time in prayer. Like they're watching all of that. your life, just by modeling something, you're influencing your kids.
Hey, your daughter's watching. You've had two canceled flights so far, right? For your trip. And I know you got another, we're praying that the flight happens tomorrow morning, but yeah, exactly. Disappointment, delay, they're watching. And even now in this season of Dad Life, your decisions are being watched.
Totally. They're watching how we handle the good things and the tough things. And that's a big impact on their lives.
Speaker 2 (28:45.098)
influencing by simply what we do, even if it's not intentional, we're bottling it.
I mean, for guys, for dads, know, having a small group or a Bible study that you go to or being committed to taking mom on a date night, like you're teaching them things by just living your own life, even away from them, even if they're like, I wish you guys wouldn't go or dad, why are you going to your Bible study? want to stay here and play with me. It's like, you know what, I'm actually modeling something to you by even, you know, holding to these things that sometimes take me away.
Yeah, and I'm gonna pause you on date night because I think if there was ever a time in my relationship with my wife, so we've been married, it'll be 15 years this summer, but if there was a gap in the rhythms of intentionality around date nights, these last 11 months have been that disruption because we've been babysitters, not, non-existent and they've been stay at home or stay in the backyard dates or give us some encouragement for a little further why.
dating. If you're married, if you're listening right now, you want to be dad, awesome. You take your wife on dates. So tell us why.
Well, mean, again, you're showing them that you're showing your kids that you honor and prioritize this relationship. And there's such a positive message when kids know their parents are in love. I mean, the security they experience in that, it's like a warm embrace, just a foundation. so, you know, living that out, prioritizing. And every time Heather and I went on a date, and the other thing we did, actually have
Speaker 1 (30:20.0)
almost always tried to get at least a weekend away every year. And it means getting the grandparents to show up and take the kids. It's not convenient. And you might miss something here or there, but it's just so important. Because you come back from those experiences a better parent. You get a new perspective. You get refreshed. You reconnect with your spouse. And you show back up in that home as a better parent.
Yep. they're again, they're watching you are we are modeling just by how we look at each other, the glow, the shine, the eyes, the kiss, the hug, the date nights, though our kids are watching.
I want my daughters to believe that that's the normal, that's the baseline. I don't want them in a relationship that is where they're not prized and honored and cared about and feeling like that's normal. If they're in a relationship where those things aren't happening, I want my young daughters to be like, this isn't okay. This is not how a relationship is supposed to be.
Let's take a new course here.
Let's go to another area of influence versus control. think you've got another one for us.
Speaker 1 (31:25.582)
Yeah, I mean, I think it's just the routines, setting up the right routines with the family. So, you know, do we have dinner together? You know, and we weren't crazy, you know, about that. But, you know, if the kids had an activity or sport or something, we would let them do that. But there was no excuse if we were all home, no excuse to be sitting in front of the TV, eating dinner. It's like TV's off.
phones are put away, we're going to have a conversation, going to pray for a meal, we're going to come together and we're going to all check in on our day and what's going on. Simple routine like that. There's a lot of research on, as you know, families that just even have dinner together. Outcomes for kids is super positive.
It's wild. It's wild how tangible just sitting down for dinner. Yeah.
Some of the routines, we had connected with some other families in our community and we would often do like a Sunday night, we called it family church. And we took, you know, all these kids right in this very basement, know, six, seven families, full of kids come in and we would have a little worship time and somebody would give a talk and we would break out and have little discussions as families. That was part of the routine. And again, you're showing them.
kind of, hey, faith is integral to not only our life, but our community here. So I think that's a big one. some of the routines we tried to have the kids build into their own lives felt important too, because it actually kind of bleeds into the next way to have influence, but making sure the kids are going to church. And there was a season when
Speaker 1 (33:14.446)
We had moved back here from some time in Colorado and our kids were just coming into junior high and high school, but we were hoping and wanting them to be connected to a church. And they all chose a different Wednesday night youth group. And a lot of fans would be like, no way. But we were like, hey, we're not in, you know, we could control this situation, but we're just thrilled they each want to go to a youth group. So we literally would pick up and drop off at three different Wednesday night programs where
This one wanted to go because this was a great program, but my friends are over here and it's like, great, we're going to make this happen. We're going to worship together as a family on Sunday, but on Wednesday night, if you want to plug into a different youth group, go for it. that's part of that. So one of the ways, you know, I've seen the influence is by outsourcing and getting some help. So our kids have been involved with a ministry called Young Life.
They've gone to summer camps. Sometimes it's a church camp. Sometimes it's a Young Life camp. They've been involved in youth groups. And young Christian adults who invest in their lives is huge. To this day, AJ's got like two mentors down at the U, College Young Life, and another guy who he's known for years, one of his old youth pastors. And he still meets with these guys for lunch and coffee. They're still speaking into his life.
And I'm just cheering that on. That's outsourcing some of the positive influence you want to see on your kid's life.
you've normalized other voices of influence. Yeah. But you've helped you have influence towards the right types of voices versus control would have been shut off those other opportunities to go to other youth groups or to a young life or because we just have our church like that would be control. You chose influence. Right.
Speaker 1 (35:06.222)
But yeah, you're going to do this our way or not at all, or you're going to listen to just my voice. realizing, know, developmentally in these teen years, it's coming, right? There's going to be an age between about 12 and 17 where they really don't want to hear their parents' voice very much. And if there is a young Christian adult in their life, I mean, Anna got up yesterday.
She's like, hey, I got Bible study with the girls this morning. And her leader is Mackenzie. And they get together for coffee with a group of girls before school. And they read through the Bible. And Mackenzie walks on water. And I'm like, thank you, Mackenzie, because you are investing in my daughter. And that's OK.
And she's looking forward to it versus something you're sending her to. got to do this thing.
It's not architected by us, it's not artificial. And that same daughter, she can't wait to go volunteer at camp this summer. And she's a junior leader and she's been doing it. She started at the camp and then the minute she could start to volunteer, she got into it and now she'll be going back. And that's great. That's us outsourcing influence to these positive things. And I really do think that's an important bridge in those teen years.
Thanks
Speaker 2 (36:23.758)
Yeah, it's easy to kind of like cast stones at or like to say, no, don't outsource the church. You got to be the spiritual, but you're saying you're actually discerning. Hey, what's the, it works together like a mosaic, right? Like it's pieces to the kind of discipleship puzzle. And just to recap here, so areas of influence versus control relationships, you had modeling routines, church and really thinking strategically, but open-handedly around what does influence look like in an outsourcing way? Did you have another one or was that?
Yeah, the last one is something Heather and I talk about a lot, she's always saying this, especially with with daughters. Don't get on the roller coaster. So, you know, hormonally, emotionally, kids go through a season where there's just a lot going on and feelings get really big, right? And some days it's big excitement and some days it's devastation.
It.
Speaker 1 (37:22.99)
And one of the things we talk about is it's, you know, if we get on the roller coasters with them and you see this, I mean, I know moms who get on the social roller coaster with their kids and try and manage their relationships and the ups and downs and it's crazy making, right? You know, so instead our job is to kind of be the sidewalk. Like, how can I be this stable person? We're here for you. When you're off that roller coaster, I'm going to be right here waiting for you.
but I'm not gonna get on that roller coaster with you and ride all the waves. And so that's helped us, again, a posture of positive influence, kind of a respected voice in their life without sort of joining them on the crazy ups and downs that they can be feeling.
my mind and heart jumped to our heavenly father and that he's not jumping on our roller coaster of my, even my thought life, right? I'm just all over the map sometimes. And we have a very steady, calm, sure of his power, heavenly father. So if we can even model that to a degree of stay on the sidewalk.
Totally. I mean, our anxieties can kick in and Jesus is like, you know, I'm here for you when you're ready and I haven't given you a spirit of fear. Right. And so, you know, let's claim some peace and come join me and I'm going to help you with that peace. And as parents, I think we can often be that and know that like, you're in a tough day or you're in a tough season, but we're going to get through this.
Yep. And we can't necessarily speak to the storm like Jesus did be still. I think our words do matter as far as their identity and affirmation and steadiness. yeah, there's, there's things we can speak to that help bring down the roller coaster. Well, this, mean, so helpful, Peter. And I appreciate just even thinking ahead of time around this, this paradigm that you were invited into early on of influence versus control. Was there any other?
Speaker 1 (39:06.926)
Definitely.
Speaker 2 (39:19.65)
Just pieces that you wanted to, any other either principles or tips that you wanted to pass on to our Dad Awesome community.
You know, think, you know, stepping back from all this, mean, so much of even what I just relayed was spoken into my life by looking at people in my circle, in my community where where I respected that person. Maybe I observed again there, but they were a little ahead of us and it seemed like they were doing a great job and just just being available to ask them like, hey, what's, know,
What advice do you have about parenting? Or what have you guys found that's worked well for you? And even as you've asked, what would you have done differently? But great parents are often very willing to share a little bit of gold. And so don't hesitate to look for those moments where you can glean a little of that and mine some gold. Because those things have informed our last 20 years of parenting and it's been awesome.
I've heard even the way you've answered some of my questions, like you have a very.
I feel like you see through a lens of there's some gold here. I want to mine out. There's something here. I see something in that person's kids. And I think we all as dads can lean into being more observational, looking a step ahead and affirming and saying, tell me more about that. And yeah, it is amazing that people that say yes to me to do a podcast interview with is remarkable. But also even mentors and dads that step ahead are glad to grab a cup of coffee or have you over for dinner. And I think we all need to stay in that posture of being learners, being teachable, being mentees.
Speaker 2 (40:53.877)
area.
Yeah, I was thinking about, is there a book I would recommend or some sort of resource? And I just realized, you know, thinking about it, it's just those people that are already in your life that are ready to give you a little wisdom that I would actually encourage you guys to go sit down and have a conversation with.
go after it. Would you say a short prayer for all the dads listening?
yeah.
Lord, thank you for being our Heavenly Father. Just thank you for the way you have modeled fatherhood, really, and just unconditional love. Thanks for being patient with us as we make mistakes, for giving us grace, as we learn things. Lord, I pray for the dads out there that
Speaker 1 (41:46.988)
they would not be threatened by that idea of not being in control in the same way. You we can trust you and you designed us to have choices. You don't control us, Lord. And so why as parents would we expect to be able to control our kids? So we entrust them to you. We ask you to give us wisdom to keep influencing them ways, in ways to model.
what needs to be modeled. Lord asked that you would just guide our steps as we do that and that we can rest and trust you, that you have our kits in the palm of your hands. So thanks for this time. Thanks for what Jeff's doing. Lift these up in Christ's name.
Speaker 2 (42:38.296)
Thank you so much for joining us for episode 395 of Dad Awesome with Dr. Peter Larson. The conversation links, the show notes are all gonna be at dadawesome.org slash podcast. And I wanna remind you, I would love to share this little sample packet. It's actually a little more than one chapter. It's a kind of the introduction plus a chapter of the Dad Awesome book that's gonna launch this fall. Simply go to the link in your show notes and you'll find a link to add your name and email address.
that it'll send you that free copy and just excited to share this with you guys so thank you for listening today thank you for being dad awesome I'm praying for you I'm cheering for you have a great week
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"You can't just start strong or launch them. Well, you gotta finish strong too. And because that does impact you. And that's like probably one of the few pain points, when I think about my dad - like, man, he was such a rockstar. I wish he would have finished a little stronger in terms of his, just his modeling of lifestyle."
"...Starting to pay attention to what is it that they naturally do and that they love, and realizing there's some motivation there that is going to serve them throughout their life. And how do we unleash that - fan those flames. And what's fun is it's going to be different than you, you know, they're their own unique person."
"You can't make them do anything they don't want to do. And now on the flip side.... actually you do have influence though. And influence is wonderful because it's like a continuum. And so your question, your challenge as a dad, as a parent, is to think about how can I maximize my influence while knowing I don't have control."
"[My kids are] copying the things I do, even when they don't make sense, you know, when they're irrational."
"Great parents are often very willing to share a little bit of gold. And so don't hesitate to look for those moments where you can glean a little of that and mine some gold, because those things have informed our last 20 years of parenting and has been awesome."
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